Edge

I don't feel like mentioning Jayson today. But most likely I will, just cause I have nothing else to talk about.

Jayson is unstable. Seriously. And it's starting to bug me and freak me out and make me angry. I don't like getting angry and I've noticed that the more I go through high school the harder it is for things to get me seriously ticked off. That's not the case with Jayson, he doesn't have to do much of anything to make me angry. Just him speaking makes me angry. Listening to him speak nearly drives me over the edge.

Normally in school I'm kinda happy and childish. I sound like a little kid! And I like it that way, since little kids are filled with wonder and awe and a 'life is good or will be soon' attitude. But when I come by Jayson, my whole attitude goes down the shoots. Or the drain. Or whatever..Anyway, his attitude is so negative and dumpy. And that attitude makes me jump a few decades ahead of my maturity (well, supposed) level. Sometimes I like sounding so mature, so complete in my life, but I hate having to do it everyday!

I dunno. I seriously don't know Ness. I feel like, with Jayson, I'm growing up too fast, taking on too many problems that adults should handle. I don't like feeling that way. I seriously feel bad for other kids my age that had to have worse things happen to them (other than an emotionally draining friend) and had to grow up so soon. It sucks and makes me feel like I'm missing out on something that other 'normal' kids have. What I'm missing out of, I don't know. I just know I want it.

On another note, I think Jayson lies to me. I don't like that. That really irks my nerves. Like, today there was yet another confrontation between Jayson and someone else (this time a girl he used to be cool with named Autumn). Jayson told me one story, sorta, down in Ms.Vogel's (our school principal) office. He didn't come out and say it, but I got the gist of it from the conversation itself. Then after school, Jayson went home or something, I get a completely different story from two of his classmates. Of course, these people are his worst enemies, but they said the story in such a tone that they weren't joking, they were defending their friend Autumn. They also told me about how Jayson acts and talks in that class and it's completely different than the Jayson I know!! Having that little talk with his classmates helped me get even more confused about my friend, who most likely, it seems, is lying to me.

Jayson also said he was diagnosed bi-polar disorder a few days ago. That explains tons! I'm not saying that in a 'smack the forehead and smile' sorta way, I'm saying it in a 'that's an explanation to his actions' way. He worries me. Like, sleepless nights worry.

My mom put a flip on the whole thing by saying (after I gave her my now daily Jayson Drama Rant today) that Jayson feeds on all the attention he's getting. I never thought of it that way. I mean, I know people do those things, but why would, how could they? I just don't understand. I know I sometimes do that, like saying my drawings suck for attention, but that's for art! I'm not saying stuff like "I just want this to end."; I'm not playing with suicide! My mom also said that I should let it go, and she's worried I will have a breakdown too. Then she said, which is rather grim, that if Jayson wanted to kill himself he would of did it. The little non-rational part of me agrees with that last statement.

The idea my mom gave me I could see, but I just don't want it to be true. Why would someone joke with suicide? Not joke, but use that selfishly for attention!? It makes me so angry and even more worried about Jayson. The worry comes from the fact that he's even thinking about killing himself. The anger comes from the fact that he'd use something as serious as suicide to get attention that I (and others) already give him. The boy is unstable! Even if he wasn't talking about suicide, people would still keep their eye on him.

Another thing is that Jayson just can't see life through someone else's eyes. It's like he's incapable from taking a second, get out of his crap bubble, and look at life through someone else's eyes. Oh believe me Ness, Jayson can sure as hell tell me (or anyone else for that matter) what life is like for them and how they feel about a situation. But when I ask him seriously to look at through someone else's point of view, he just says "I don't know. I can't. I don't know." Those is some direct quotes too! He said it today when I tried to get him to stop bitching and think about what he'd do if I was saying the stuff he says about suicide and stuff. In reality, he didn't even try. He gave up, he gave me some cheap answers, such as he'd leave it to an adult, basically I would of killed myself by the time he did anything. Ugh.

He told me his mom, as punishment, is going to enroll him down in Sunberry to the high school there to finish the year off and for the rest of high school. I think that's gonna suck, but rock too. New place, new setting. New chance at life. It's gonna suck though cause people in my school tolerated his attitude but the white folks in Sun-wherever? No way! He's probably gonna get beat up and I feel bad for him already. But this, him leaving, could of been avoided somewhat if he changed his attitude.

Well, I'm gonna go. I made a plan to copy some pics of Orange Blossom from a coloring book every night. Well, to at least attempt too. I've noticed that I switch into R-mode quite easily. It just comes to me for some reason. Ah well, let's pray it comes today. Oh yeah, the reason I'm doing this is because in my Right Side of the Brain book (the drawing one..) it says coping pics helps you get better, so I'm gonna copy pics until I feel comfortable enough to do the next exercise. That exercise is actually drawing and (possibly) shading something! I can't do that yet; I don't want it to turn out sucky..

I hope this Jayson matter irons itself out.
Much Love Ness
Bye!

Crazed

Look at me Ness! Posting the very next day. I should make this a habit! Another thing I should make a habit is to burn Cd's for people cause that's the only reason I'm actually online! Woohoo Cd's!

Anyway, I got my title from my best bud Jayson. I didn't want to say he's crazy, even though at the moment it seems that way. Since I'm trying to do this and RP and then preview songs for Arienana's CD, I'll write about Jayson later.

Anyway, I was randomly requested today! I know I'm probably blowing up this whole thing, but I felt so good..I dunno why I should feel good since it's for Winnie...It was like a little surprise cause I didn't get a message or anything, it was like just there...OK, I'm kinda spacey right now..

There is a downside to downloading Cd's and being on the computer..I can't get my homework done! I could open the book and read and answer the questions right here but there's so much temptation...I'm gonna go do it!

Well, I'll mention Jayson's drama later. And Katherine's. And how I'm gonna write a happy poem/story (dunno yet) about a vampire. Go me! Let's hope it gets done...

Not Exactly Tomorrow...

Well, I didn't get to post the next day...But I think this should be good enough. I have to be quick though, I got re-banned from the computer. I'm supposed to be working on homework. Social Studies to be exact.

Anyway, the IX Center was better this year. We had to bring Saniya (who's two at the moment) and Arieana and Robbyn, but it was fun. Mostly because of Robbyn. We didn't do any serious teenage bonding but we did laugh and joke a little. And I mean little. But it was a good little. We got on a few rides and I overcame my fear of this one ride. Last year Arieana got on it and I thought she was going to fall out. This year I went on and it was fun! So fun I wanted to get on twice...This year Arieana didn't want to get on anything! It was funny and very ironic. It's like a laugh in her five-year-old face, the five-year-old that wanted to get on everything last year! Hahaha!

Re-Banned. Yeah, I'm trying to work on an agreement with my mom. She gives me a list of chores and hopefully I do them! Simple huh?...My laziness totally dominated my life last week, and it made me realize sitting around all day sucks! So, I'm trying to move. And do chores. And draw more...The drawing is going to be really hard, since I need to be in the mood to do that...I want to set away an hour of draw time, hopefully 9 PM but it's 7:30 PM now and I have a lot of Social Studies to finish...The nerve of Mr.Johnson to give us homework when he isn't there! And then it's crap "I can't learn anything from this!" work too...What a cheeky...Nevermind.

Well, all I have to say is that I've been role-playing like a lot lately. So much that I've lost interest in blogging and doing much else. I don't know, I think this is an addiction or my calling. Lol, I'm going crazy.

Anyway, tomorrow we're going to the IX center. I thought that deserved a post because I remember posting here last year about the IX center. A lot can change in a year, ne? I hope so. You'll find out after tomorrow, Ness.

bye!