1/5/09

I have a major dilemma on my hands! Life is so stressful! Why does it have to be so hard!? I just wish I was a regular kid who doesn't care about their summer plans.

So, I have a choice to make this week. Either I go to Aspire for a second year (the application is due Monday, the 12th) or I do a college program. I'm game for a college program because I think that would be hella aweomse! The only problem is money and that fact that I have to work a certain number of hours each year in order to keep the scholarship I have.

...I have to go now. I'll try to post tomorrow and explain.

1/4/08

Art has been on the brain. There's so many conflicting views on how to start (although EVERYONE says that yous must PRACTICE!). I really hate the idea of copying another artist's work until I can draw that way perfectly and then changing it up so it'd fit my style. I want to be original all the way. I think that's my main problem. I just want to be able to express myself even when I haven't gotten the basics, the basics that ALL artists have to know, down. I just wish I was one of those kids that had been drawing since conception. Jeez.

Then again, I have been drawing for a long time. My problem is that I'm not consistent. I come to a wall and then I give up because it's too hard. And I don't give up gently, I give up hard. For a good year or two hard. Really! If I met myself, I wouldn't think I'd give up so easily. Well, no more complaints and long wasteful rants to you Ness! I'm going to change. I refuse to be old enough to get an account on Y!Gallery and still suck at drawing gay males.

I REFUSE!

Woooow! I have not been on here in like...a while. It's not as bad as my usual hiatus' are. Two months? Almost? Not bad.

I guess this is the best time to say my New Years' Resolutions. I haven't looked at last years...I think I should have done that first...Ah well.

OKAY!

/1/ (BTW, on this email thing about Brazil Nut Fudge at my job, this guy marked his numbers like this and I thought it was cool. So I'm stealing it.) To draw more often. God Ness, I know! You must get tired of me saying this almost every post. I get tired of writing it! But Ness, I know I have talent and vision! I bet I could be a great artist! I just need to delazyfy myself. Big time.

/2/ Um...Study more? I've noticed that school is starting to suck and it's getting harder. To combat this I need to be more prepared. I need to look at the book more than the day before the test. With finals I've gotten better as time has gone on, but in general, I still don't study as much as I should. I know this. I have like mini-seizures before tests because I feel I haven't studied enough. This year will be the year of almost no-procrastination. I won't try to lie to myself. I'm lazy. I know there'll be a test or twenty where I won't study till the night before. As long as I acknowledge I have a problem I can fix it..Right?

/3/ This one just popped up on me as I was washing the dishes: I need to write more. I remembered in elementary and middle school where I would write almost novels (OK, OK, not really, but to a middle schooler, yeah). I barely write now, other than when I RP. I need to put my brain to more use and write those fantastical tales from my younger youth! Also, I've noticed on tests, like the PSAT, my writing scores have gone down! Outrageous! I need to fix that.

/4/ OK, laziness is striking me, so I'm gonna squish everything into this last one. I just want to be less lazy. I know Ness, I say this every other post too, but I'm starting to realize now what damage my laziness has caused. So...I need to stop being so lazy. I've made little leaps and bounds, like washing the dishes everyday (skipping probably two or three) for the past month. I just have to keep the momentum up. Believe me, I'm definitely a fan of inertia. A big fan.

Jealous

Yep. I haven't changed. I still envy popular people.

I was reading some of my posts yesterday. I was talking about how I wished I were some people and how I wished I had more friends. I now know what I want. At least I think I do.

I don't want friends. I don't want fame or fortune. Artistic talent would be utterly amazing, yes! What I really want is someone to love me.

Sounds mega cheesy, but that's what I want. I know I have family and I shouldn't complain, but a family is supposed to love you. That's their job. It would be awesome to just have someone fawn over me or something. Be happy to see me all the time. Like, uber excited. I dunno. Basically a fangirl or fanboy for me.

Maybe people are happy to see me (Ms. Brickner comes to mind) but they don't show it. I guess. It's probably one of those situations where you don't know you have it till it's gone. So yeah, in that sense, I'm glad I have "it". I would like more though. I'm just greedy.

And maybe I'm not meant to be all lovey-dovey. I've never been in a relationship where lovey-dovey stuff is called for. Basically, I've never dated. I'm sure I'm gonna find a man though.

Finding a boyfriend doesn't bother me. Why? Men like sex. If it comes down to it, I'll have sex and get a boyfriend. I doubt I'd go that far, but just in case I'm almost prepared. Another thing is that there are a lot of awesome guys that aren't liked by the girls around them. So I'll step in and we'll date! In print it seems perfect but I know in real life it's not that simple.

Another thing that could make me feel this way is hormones. I think my teenage hormones are kicking in. Yeah, a little late, but they're here. And I hate it. I can't wait until I get out of this stage. Hopefully though, I'll keep all the mega cool things about the Teenage Me when I get to the Adult Me and lose all the crappy stuff. That'd be awesome.

Waterphobic

I don't know if you know this Ness, but I don't like water.

A part of me is like, "Ariel, you have a water sign! How can you not like the stuff?" but I don't. I'm terrified of it. Seriously.

I definitely know you don't know this: I take gym. What section of the gym class am I taking? Swimming!

It was all fun and dandy the other four weeks (when I got in the pool what, three times?) because all I did was float while holding on to something. But now the teacher wants me to float naked! I mean, float holding on to nothing! It's horrible! Today I burst into tears in the water because I was so nervous. It doubly sucked because I had goggles on and I'm sure everybody saw. Ah well.

Point is, I don't like it. I guess it's because I had to let go and just be. It's hard because I think I'm about to float away and sink to the ground like a lead weight. I really want to learn how to swim but I don't want to...I don't know what I don't want to do. I just wish I was swimming since I could walk like Claire or some of the other people in my school. That would make life so much easier.

I can explain!

I can explain Ness! I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

OK, well, every June I like to do this thing called and June Challenge and it's like I post everyday in June. I think I do it to show I A) can post everyday and B) can celebrate the summer by doing something relatively active.

So, one day I go to post and Blogger is down. So I'm like, June Challenge ruined. But it didn't occur to me until the middle of July that Blogger automatically saves posts. So...Even though Blogger was down, I still could have posted everyday in June, just posted the saved posts.

I was so ashamed that I failed the June Challenge that I just didn't come back afterwards...

Yes, I fail. Ah well.

Don't feel like posting...Yet again.

And my teeth still hurt.

Hey.

My teeth are killing me.

Gah!

Oh Ness. I don't know how many times I have to say this to make this feeling go away! I mention it at least once a month, or at least once every time I post on here.

It's that whole, "I'm so left out." feeling.

The one I got around that freshman girl Autumn, and the one I generally get around other human beings with productive lives and such. Today I got it when me and some other girls were talking and they were talking about having boyfriends and their ex-boyfriends. I was standing there like, "I have nothing insightful to add to this conversation." And idiot me said it.

Anyway, that whole thing made me sad. It made me feel somehow defective. Of course, I've come to the conclusion that this whole boyfriend phenomenon won't happen to me for a while. At least, until I get some guy friends that I'm actually attracted to. And that's asking for the damn near impossible.

Another thing I noticed, while I'm on this "Ariel sucks" rant, is that I'm still not very comfortable with my height. Everyone else, except for the two dudes there, is shorter than me. Like, MEGA shorter than me. On the other hand, I've noticed that I'm not THAT taller than people. It is a relatively small distance when I think about it. Nonetheless, it feels really weird when everyone else is near the same size and I jut out like..A tall person.

First Day!

Yeah, today was my first day at Aspire. Not my first work day, but orientation. It was nice to get to know everyone. I think we'll get along.

I was so ashamed of myself! I think my shyness has gotten worse! Although it's gotten better in some other ways. Like, I pretty much didn't say anything the entire morning, but after lunch I was comfortable enough to talk and give my ideas. I still held back...But I warmed up to people quicker than normal. Usually I need to spend a good few days with people before I start talking a lot, but I talked enough today. Tomorrow will be better.

Everyone is so nice! At least, day one. I don't know about later in the summer. I can't wait until the ball starts rolling and I get my first check! I can't wait until payday.

I'm even more comfortable with the idea of working on my birthday. There's this girl in my group who has he birthday the week after mine. Her day is better cause it's a Friday and not parents night, but she has her birthday on the Olympics day. Whatever that is.