Wha? Wha? Wha?

Ho-Ly C-R-A-P! I haven't been on here in almost two months! It was the same thing with my email too!

Whelp, there's my post. Yeah, I'm lazy.

My ID's were found! Yay!

I'm gonna call Jayson. He thinks he's the reason I don't like talking on the phone and the reason I'm never by my phone and crap. It kinda makes me mad, how he thinks it's his fault. The world doesn't revolve around him, you know? So, I don't know what I'm gonna say to him when I call, I really don't feel like saying much of anything. But I don't want him to do something crazy, like try and off himself, so I'm going to call. I gotta keep my cool, cause I'm pissy and getting rid of my uterus (Or something along those lines; I can't remember the scientific reason for periods.) and not in the mood.

I totally mini-cussed out a girl today in Spanish cause she was getting juice everywhere. She was swinging her bottle around and I was like, about to murder her. But I didn't. That's why it was a mini-cussing out...

I'm gonna go call him. Talk to you later.

Oh yeah, I forgot to rant about me failing a test. How dare I forget!

So yeah, I went to see Dr. Tatum speak and such. That was cool. So cool I totally don't feel like talking about it.

I get back to school and I decide to take the History test just so I wouldn't have to take it Monday. Bad idea. Horrible idea. That test will surely get me a suspension.

The first few question were OK. I mean, we never talked about most of them in class, but common knowledge saved the day. Then I get to the short answer section, which is basically 8 pages from a 10 page test, and just...Died. I mean, that was crazy. All the questions in that section I had no idea what the answer was. None. Never before had I been so ashamed. I felt like the whole world knew I knew nothing on that test.

Thinking back on it, the reason I didn't know the answers was because the questions were about Medieval England. Cool and dandy, yeah, but guess what? We weren't studying Medieval England, we were studying CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! What was that?! Good God! I didn't notice this until last night when I was getting together the arguments I was going to make when I get my F.

Of course, we had a packet on England, but that was the first week of school. And, I'm not going to study something that's not on "Pre-Test Jeopardy". If it's not on Jeopardy, then 100 times out of 100 it's not on the damn test. I must of experienced a freak of nature type thing then. I mean, Jeopardy outlines everything for the test! What the hell?

Cramps suck.

I lost both my ID badges! God, I feel so stupid and dumb! Well, those two words mean the same thing, but still! I'm so pissed at myself. The thing just fell off my necklace thing. Both my ID badges (from this year and last year) was in this clear case I got from my job, along with a used bus pass and a quarter, and the whole thing just fell off. It's the second time that's happened. God! I'm more worried about getting a detention than I am about the actually article, although I'm pretty worried about my badges too.

More recently, I'm not up to getting into yesterday, I got an email (well, a few) from Jayson today and one said he was done trying to contact me and that, basically, the ball was in my court. That letter pissed me off.

So, now it's my time to rant, which I have a feeling I'll regret reading later.

Like, dude, we talked a few days ago. Tuesday to be exact. And it's not like he doesn't know I don't like calling people, and I'm not obsessively checking my phone. I rarely answer the thing, even when my mom calls. The whole ultimatum thing just pisses me off. I hate when people do that.

I feel like Jayson doesn't realize I have a life, or something closely resembling one. I'm doing crap down here, not checking cell phones. He doesn't know if I'm dead in a ditch somewhere (God forbid) or what's going on. And yeah, that's bad, seeing he's far away, but dropping bombs like that is not cool. I'd never do that to somebody. Maybe cause I'd never attempt to call them, since I don't like calling people. Or maybe that I'd confront the person, or cause I do those "reaching out" type actions (ME sending something instead of them) so rarely that I never have to worry about people never responding. And if they don't I still wouldn't just say, "This is it. It's up to you." I've never had to, and I doubt I ever would do something like that.

Am I that bad a friend? That after a few days of not being around my phone when Jayson calls that I'm not worth it? I mean, he really doesn't have to call all like that. Once in a while is ok, not five times a day. Heck, once every other day would do the trick.

On a deeper level though, I think the reason I don't really try to be by my phone when he calls is cause he calls so often. After a while of him calling every day, it's like, "Hell, he'll call again. Let's hope I'm by my phone. And even if I'm not, he'll call again." If he called a little less, maybe I'd be more inclined to try and answer those calls.

And then, I'm a teenage girl. I may not want to talk to people all like that. I really don't like talking to people all like that, not everyday. Especially if I got a minute conscience mom to worry about. I wonder how I can break the whole changing hormones this to him. He must of learned about moody girls in school by now.

But he knows about me! He knows I don't like talking on the phone, and that school is hard, and that I'm not the most quick to respond. He knows this! And yet he wants to go crazy about it? About me?

Yeah, me not answering the phone happened in the summer, I know. I'm a sucky friend ok? I'll always be there, but I need my alone time too.

I must be a sucky friend. I guess, although in my soul I don't feel like one. Maybe I'm a sucky long distance friend. I dunno.

Yeah, I haven't been here in a while. I wanted to post everyday starting the first of Sept., but I didn't. Ah well, at least you're not dead yet Ness.

So, why am I here? After about a month? Theater tryouts. I shouldn't have to mention this, but I didn't make the cut. I'm part of the "ensemble". Yay. I say that with every ounce of sarcasm in my soul.

I mean, yeah, in some schools if you suck at my caliber then you're just thrown out. I understand that. But, seriously. I am not that bad. I'm not good, great, or amazing, but I'm not horrible. No.

Ok, for about three minutes I was pissy and near tears cause I didn't get the part I wanted. Ok. I admit that. A few very hateful thoughts ran through my mind, basically pointing put every flaw I saw in this one freshman girl who totally got a leading role. Yeah, it's Autumn (spelled correctly this time) again. She didn't even get the leading part I wanted. Damn.

Anyway, this Autumn girl is just amazing. I'm having like, nerdy death fantasies about her cause she's so cool. And by nerdy death fantasies I mean fantasies in which Autumn fails at life and gets F's on her report card. But knowing how God's giving her gifts like they're hot potatoes or something, she probably gets decent grades.

Good at art. Good at singing, acting (Mmmmm, sure. I'll give her that, since she's good at everything else I'm not.), making friends. Jeez.

So, I should be looking at all the things I'm good at, and how I'm smart, and how we're two different people made for two different lives and two different things we have our whole lives to accomplish and all that jazz. Yeah, I understand. But I also understand these hormones are making me a motivated jealous bitch. The keyword is: motivated.

Now, I'm not gonna sit here and say, "Tomorrow I'ma start drawing everyday! And I'm gonna color all my pictures! And do my chores on time! And post in Ness everyday!" cause we all know that won't happen. Changes take time. I have time. Lots of time. Since I won't be attending many play practices, of course I'll have time. Time is key.

I'm kinda glad I don't have a main role since I can do other things. I'm in lots of other clubs (teachers have been hunting me down about clubs and things) so I'll spend time doing that. Which is cool. I'm happy.

But still angry at Autumn's success.

Then again, like Cheyenne, she may have loads of skeletons in her closet, a horrible life. Yeah yeah. I know. I'm aware of that. I'm aware. That thought is in the back of my mind. Along with how short girls get waay too much credit. Yeah, waay with two A's.

I dunno, but the little girls do get a lot of attention. One short girl was like, "You know why boys like short girls? I dunno. But they do. Maybe cause we're cute or something. I dunno."

Well, that's not great evidence of my point, but seriously: What's wrong with tall girls? We're nice, most of us are skinny, we're beautiful. What's the problem? People don't make clothes for us, shoes, the world is crazy. Crazy.

Another thing, (since I'm on this wild and crazy rant of randomness) did you know that humans are animals? I swear to the Supreme Being of Everything, that the thought of Humans being Animals never once crossed my mind ever. Ever! How ignorant can a person get!? But then, I look at people after discovering this fact, and I don't think the rest of the world notices that humans are animals just like dogs, cats, mice. Animals. Yet people think they're entitled and important and have the power to kill each other. Does no one else know this?? Crazy.

I bet when I look at this later, I'll just think, "Wow. That's what I cared about when I was fifteen." or even, "Wow. That's what I cared about last year."

Wow, that's what I cared about five minutes ago.

Stand Alone

It's been one of those teenage days Ness. The crap ones where your self-esteem is confuzzled.

Today (along with yesterday) was orientation day and that means the work teams go to their jobs to meet their coworkers. So, I'm not gonna go into detail about that since I worked at my job last year and all summer.

This is the whole job team, for both departments, and we had to ride a cab to get to the building. On the ride there I was talking to people, basically this freshman named Autmn, Christina (who I had to go to work with last year), and Ashley (another freshman). It was idle chit-chat and crap.

It was weird. It's hard to describe. She (Autmn) liked anime and her art skills were amazing! Normally, as you know Ness, I'd be a jealous, pissy bitch after finding out something like that. Today though, I was like "I'll get better soon. Eventually." I didn't say that aloud.

Anyway, skip to the ride home. That was probably the time I noticed how totally sucky I kinda was. I mean, yeah, there's always that person bigger (....Not really for me...Lol, I'm a freak), badder, better, whatever. But Autmn was so cool! Her life seemed so cool, everything about her was wicked awesome. And that's what sucked. Cause it made me feel like I sucked.

I know I don't suck. I may not rock, but I don't suck. I'm ok. I like me for the most part.

Well, I gotta get off because...Ugh, I dunno.

"Twenty days later and she wants to post, huh?!"

Ok Ness, I feel bad. But I've been lazy. Like that's an excuse? I know it's not.

Today was the first day of my Sophomore year. It was so-so. We still move as a group, the class sticks together, but my class is different than last year. A lot of people from last year (a lot to me) are in my class this year.

We have Art!! Oh my god! Art!! I was so happy when I read that! So happy! Finally, an art class! I don't even know what we're gonna be doing. I've never been in an art class before. Maybe little kiddie crafts, coloring pictures, but never a regular art class. Arts Collinwood has been the closest to any sorta thing with art....I'm so excited. I hope I'm not disappointed.

Wow, I haven't talked to you in a while Ness. I stopped drawing too. I dunno. I really wanna work through the Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain book, but I get nervous about every exercise. Nervous enough to not do it. I hate sucking at stuff, so I just wouldn't do the stuff. I'm gonna change. I have too.

This is serious! I mean, I've loved art for a while, why can't I make some good stuff? And believe me Ness, I know I have a talented artist inside me. I used to be great! I just need to be consistent. Consistent! I'm not a very consistent person.

I have the perfect baby name! It's Lilli December! Such a cool name! I love it! All I need to do now is think of boy's names, because I've never done that. Girls run in my family, so I guess that's why. But what if I have a boy? I should get thinking on that.

This feels nice. This whole, posting in my journal thing, it feels nice. Wicked awesome. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I should seriously do it more often.

I'm un-banned!! Yay!

And still too lazy to make decent blog posts...

My mom is seriously banning me from the compter. Yesterday she chewed off my head because I forgot to put some meat in the fridge. She also made it crystal clear that I wasn't allowed to get on here.

I don't know how long I'll be away. At this rate, a few weeks. Arieana "Big Mouth" Powell isn't helping the situation either...

No no Harry, no no!

Wow, I suck at blogging Ness.

I should just say now that I'm banned yet again from the computer. The same reasons apply. I'm lazy. Yeah.

I recently got back into the Harry Potter series and now I'm reading book 6. I just saw the fifth movie yesterday. Let me tell you Ness, I did not like that movie one bit! It was NOTHING like the book! And yeah, I understand no movie can be page by page accurate but that movie was nowhere near what happened in the book. They just skipped who chapters, rearranged everything, took out all the emotion. I didn't like it.

I was expecting something amazing. The book was amazing (I feel bad it took me four years to realize that)! It was great. I was on the edge of my seat for most of it, even with Harry bitchin about every little thing. So obviously I was psyched to see the movie. And obviously I was disappointed.

People I talked to who saw the movie made it seem like they changed and added a little. A little! Not every other thing. Man, that gave me a bad feeling in my stomach. I felt so bad. Bad enough that I'm ranting and raving in you Ness. Oh well, that movie sucked.

My dad's taking the family out to dinner tomorrow. He said we need to "talk". I don't really know what we can talk about, it's just gonna be a really awkward night. I hope we go out to that Japanese place cause the food there was good. And I wanna try some sushi!

Artweaver is hard to use. I just downloaded that free art program a few days ago and believe me, it's a hassle. MS Paint seems easier! The layering and the brushes and the colors...It's all really hard to me. I know once I get used to the program it's gonna be way easy, but for now I feel like pulling my hair out.

Oh! I cleaned out my email Inbox and my DA messages and stuff. It's nice to have nothing to read in those things. I used to have like 50+ emails and 50+ deviations that needed checking out. And now I don't! Woohoo me! Yeah, cleaned out my crap.

I'm tired. And bored. That trying to color with Artweaver thing kinda ruined my day. I really want my pic to be colored! And I did a whole body!

I haven't done a body pic in a little over a year. I'm serious. The last whole body I've drawn was in 8th grade. It's hard work. Once I get into it, everything kinda sorta smooths out. I dunno. The thickness of limbs is hard for me, even though I really want my male people to look anorexic...Go Skinny Boys!

Yes, I got a template! Woohoo! Now you don't look like a blog of crap Ness. You're sooo prettiful! Lol.

Um, well, I went to camp today and we walked to the park. Took some pictures. Nothing really interesting happened.

I guess I'm gonna talk about something random then.

I always think, if we can have private prayer times with God (like, say a prayer in our mind or in our own bedroom) why do we have to go to church? I mean, if I can talk to God in my mind what's the big deal if I don't go to church? I should totally bring that up in Theology next year! That's a question I haven't heard asked, although it makes bunches of sense.

A lot of questions about God make bunches of sense (at least, they're enough of a mystery to be asked about) but are never asked. I don't get it. It's like we're afraid to talk about God or something. Which is dumb because God is everywhere! Lol, at least that's what everyone says.

Ness, you seem to be in the dark. Let me fill you in.

My dad no longer "unofficially" lives here. Before, we'd tell people (meaning: school officials, tax officials, officials officials) that he didn't live here. I don't know why we did it. Well, now, he doesn't. He had to "get his life together". Whatever. I don't care.


Ok, I care, but not really. Like, I'm glad he wants to straighten his "life" out (I thought he was on the straight and narrow, but then again, what do I really know?), all I want is for the guy to be happy. But...I'm just mad. Not fuming mad, but..(I need to broaden my vocabulary...) just mad. Annoyed mad without the annoyance part. I guess. I dunno.


Then he shows up over this house all the time. He has an apartment God Knows Where, yet he's always over here! At night it's understandable, since us females need protection (that, I'm only guessing here, an alarm that's connected to the police can't give) while my mom's at work. But for dinner? What the hell? Does "getting your life together" also inovle getting your own damn cookbook? I don't want to see someone who doesn't want to see me. And since my mom is my mom, and since he doesn't wanna see her, he doesn't want to see me. I don't want him to force his "life" offtrack so he can eat our food.


I love Rihanna's "Shut Up and Drive" song. It makes me think of scantily clad sexy men (I have the urge to say boys, but, I'm trying to be legal today) grinding up on cars. Yeah. Men with muscle, lean muscle. With long hair. And tall. Race doesn't matter. Sexual orientation could be...(If you see what I see, you'd see GAY) straight! Lol, that would be good. Straight guys that look extremely gay and feminine. Maybe that's what I'm attracted to or something. I've been that way for a while.

I don't know why I always check for comments on here. Seriously, there's really nothing for anyone to comment about...In July, this is like my third post, and like 20 days of June were completely useless posts...Lol, I should post more often. It felt good to actually post in June, it got a lot of emotions off my chest. Right now though it feels like I'm being weighed down by a three hundred ton weight...If that's even possible.

The good news Ness, is that I've been drawing more and more often. And I ain't half horrible! Lol, I do need a lot of work, but I bet (if I keep going at this pace, mind you) I will be actually good, by next year..Hopefully. By good I mean, people who I don't know will say my art is good. So far, only friends have said I rock, now I need the outside world's approval.

Reading it now, the last sentence of that paragraph sounds stupid. Who cares about the world!?! Lol, gar.

Sorry I haven't post in 13 days. I took a little, long, hiatus since I posted everyday in June...

Lol, I guess I'm going to go continue that hiatus now Ness... Bye.

Go me!

Yeah, today is my birthday! Woohoo. I got $100 today! Woohoo.

I don't feel like posting Ness. Sorry...

I'm 15!

1 Day till my birthday!!

Ness, I know you're probably angry because I haven't been giving you any good posts lately. Sorry, I've been lazy. At least I've been posting everyday, right?

There was drama at camp that pissed me off the other day. The usual little kid backstabbing/ spreading rumors crap. It was really annoying and I couldn't believe that crap used to affect me like it did. I mean, it still got on my freaking nerves, but I wasn't crying over it like I would've done a year or two ago.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm turning 15 Ness, can you believe it? Man, another year. I can sorta kinda not really remember last year's birthday, when I was so happy that I could join Myspace. Now, there's no website I'm looking forward to joining.

Since I make goals for New Year's, I think I should make birthday goals. Here's some:

1. Draw more. I've been sorta doing this recently, but not as much as I know I can. I do believe I've gotten better though! Not by a lot, but a little better. I noticed when I drew a pic and it turned out pretty amazing. To me. Now, almost a week later, I'm still trying to color it in Paint. Darn you Paint! It's really tedious.

2. Leave my house more. This would be going against my Hermit status, but...Now it's getting a little lonely. The more I go outside the more I notice I like leaving my house. It gets stuffy in here and sometimes my mom and sister are annoying, but that's not the point. Nature is fun! That's the point, that I like nature. Not a lot a lot, but enough to want to leave my house for it.

3. Get active. By that I mean join some clubs, not necessarily do more sports/movement. I like doing things...Yeah. Um, yeah, get active.

That's all I can think of right now. I also have two new baby names!

1. Zenzi
2. Zora

Both are girls names and both are stolen from campers at the camp I volunteer at. I love those names! A lot! Yeah, those are definitely baby name possibilities.

Another day, yes.
Do I type something long, no.
Sorry I'm lazy.

This is a haiku.
Because I have to post fast,
This post will be short.

Busy, watching Naruto Abridged. Sorry I'm so lazy.

I'm tired.
And lazy.
See you tomorrow Ness.

I drew a picture Ness! Woohoo!! I'm coloring it now, so I can't really type..Sorry...

Woohoo!

IMVU

Well, that's all really. I don't have much to say... I joined IMVU and so far I like it. I joined yesterday and I have two friends already! Yay!

	I'm Guest_AtomMay on

I've noticed that if I type something (like, I don't like rain) or if I say something, the thing I don't want, or say will never happen, happens. So, I shall say, "I've given up on titling my blog posts." And just for a little boost, "I've given up on actually having artistic talent soon." I bet any amount of money that since I pointed out the weird speaking thing, what I want to happen (er, what I said will never happen) won't happen. Great. Darn...

I'm obsessed with pictures of Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. I've always had a thing for young Robin, so innocent and surrounded by stuffed animals. I think that's so cool! The whole thing just seems so cool to me. I don't know why I all of a sudden like Winnie the Pooh (Maybe Winnie the RP character had something to do with it.) but...The whole show, book, whatever just seems nostalgic you know? It goes back to a simpler time. And I definately love simpler times (<--This is coming from the girl who wanted to be a hippie...)

I went on a rabid picture hunt yesterday. The only places I really went were Photobucket and Google, both proved to be fruitless. I didn't find any of what I was looking for. Is it so hard to find Christopher Robin photos!?! My God, I didn't want actual people! Lol, I was getting pissed. Why did so many people name their kids Christopher Robin? Thinking about it, I might name a kid of mine that. I have some weird baby names.

Here's the list so far (in no specific order):

1. Christopher Robin-Cheesy as all hell, but at the moment the name calls out to me. I don't know the possibility of this name actually getting used though.

2.December- I don't know where this came from! Oh, I remember. Jayson and I were talking about writing a book together (I know Ness, me, commit to something? Yeah, right.) and I wanted a male character with the name of May. This was before I knew my secret love (or obsession, the words can be used interchangeably) of fem-boys. Anyway, Jayson and I argued about it and then the month December just came out of my mouth. We were talking about a vampire race (*we're nerds*) and "Lady December" just seemed wicked cool. The coolness and Gothiness (This was also when I wanted to be Goth..Silly me!) made the name stick. Now though, I think this would be a cool middle name.

3. Wednesday- We all know why this is here. This is totally gonna be somebody's middle name; it's too cool for a first name.

4. Hazel- This was my great-grandmother's name. This name is kinda retro to me. I like retro things. This is another middle name.

Jeez! I thought I had baby first names. Oh well, I won't run out of middle names...I can't believe I'm thinking about baby names and I'm still a teenager...That's shows I have no social life...None. Zip.

But I'm completely fine with that. For now at least.

I don't know where my dad is. I haven't seen him in three days. It's as if he up and left one day. I have a feeling my mom hasn't seen him either.

My mom thinks we're (me and my dad) are plotting against her. I don't see how that's even possible, but she's dead set on it. She makes little comments when I stay home about how he's called me. He hasn't. I wish he had, cause then I would know he's alive or something. Now I'm kinda in the dark.

I don't see why he won't call me! I used to stick up for him, I used to lie for him, I used to smooth things out for him and my mom. Now I don't do anything for him because he's never here!

I can understand him going out the have fun with his buddies. He is a grown man after all. But not coming home? He can sneak in and sleep at this house for a few hours! It's not that hard. He doesn't have to spend his whole day here if he doesn't want to. He can leave, fine. Just come home every once in a while. The streets are scary, he could be dead in a ditch somewhere! How do I know he's not? I don't. That's the problem. A problem that could easily be solved if he just came home every once in a while.

I really don't feel like posting right now (I'm eating, lol)....Um, so yeah...I'm gonna go Ness. Sorry....

I'm tired...I'm just really tired. Those kids wore me out, and it's only day two! Ergh......

Hm, today I learned that drama is still not my thing. I think it never will be. Maybe I'll become more, I don't know, just become better and more entertaining as time goes on but right now my career as an actress (as if I ever wanted to be one) ain't looking too good.

Art was OK today. I got inspired to get better at it, to put it simply. Liking art is not enough these days. You can't like it and be interested in it and not be good in it. Those three things (liking art, wanting to do art, and being good at art) should go together. That's how I feel at least. It seems weird to be so into art and then suck at it. I think it seems weird to other people, since I'm the one sucking I can't say it's weird.

I used to be good too! The end of 8th grade and into the summer, there was a transformation. I looked at some of my drawings in January and then those in August and it was like, "Wow, what happened?!" And stuff. I bet if I had kept up with drawing back then I would of be awesome now! But I didn't, and I took a year off (basically, aside from the three drawings I did all school year) and now I have to start from scratch. It's not fun to start from scratch.

Note to self: Don't ever show Mom your art if you expect a compliment. I just did it, and I felt like crying. Never again.

I don't think I suck horribly now. I think I'm, um, bearable. My proportions are just horrible, but I have all summer to get better. And next school year. But more or less all summer, since I have nothing better to do. I should be drawing right now even...

A long six weeks...

That's what's it's gonna be. A long six weeks of camp.

Not saying that today was bad or anything. It was just long! It felt like time was moving slower than usual.

All the teachers were completely new. The art guy, I dunno about him. I like him though. He's the type of person with artistic talent that is A) not completely oblivious that they have artistic talent (meaning they can't help you get what they got) and B) not the kind of person to rub it in that you have no artistic talent. He's the type of guy to help you get some talent. He'll say, "That's beautiful, but here's what you need to do to make it better." or "I like the idea, but here's what you can do to make it pop." Yeah, he told me about how my little brooch thingamabob could use a pop of color and how to rub in the Micah powder. His advice really helped out, and then after I showed it to him again his smile (and obvious happiness) was just awesome. I know I shouldn't really be making anything, since I'm a counselor, but it was fun to do what the kids were doing.

Drama, er, is not my thing. At least the little drama exercises aren't my thing. To think I wanted to do drama at school! Maybe it was the teacher, I'm not sure, but I just felt totally uncomfortable. And I was with the little kid group! I just couldn't loosen up. But then again this was the first day. Maybe I'll be a little looser tomorrow.

Then at snack time one kid, Collin from last year, sat off in the corner because everybody hated him. So he says. I spent all of snack time trying to get him to interact with the other kids and not sit in the corner the whole time. He was the same way last year! God, I spent all of art time once trying to convince him to build a house from construction paper...He's so emo. And only 11 too...Poor guy.

Teller of Tales

I've learned, from reading past posts, that you should NOT post when you're angry! Don't do it! Why? Well for me, I know I can be quite bitchy. Extremely harsh and bitchy. And I don't want to be extremely (a little is OK) bitchy....When speaking about family members. I don't like reading posts from the bitchy me.

The point is: Arieana is the biggest tattletale and liar I've ever seen. And another shocking fact: My mom believes everything she says. Yes! God, it's so annoying.

Arieana will tell it all! All of it! Especially when it involves food. Like today for example.

I came downstairs (Actually I had to sneak downstairs just for the fear of waking Arieana up) and started to get some cereal, for ME, ready. Lo and behold, who's coming down the stairs five seconds later? Arieana. That's fine. After a a few teeth-grinding moments I told her to come back in ten minutes. She wasn't going to die of starvation, it was just enough time for me to eat my cereal(Selfish, but like I said, she wasn't going to die) . So Arieana leaves. I eat. All too simple. Then Arieana comes downstairs (after about 5 minutes) and I tell her to sit down so I can fix her something. All of a sudden my mom shoots into the kitchen and starts yelling and hollering over how Arieana had to wait for cereal and yadda yadda yadda. It made me so mad, I just ran up the stairs and stayed in my room for about four straight hours. That's what I usually do, I know, but, ergh, it made me mad!!

I couldn't speak to Arieana today. She made me so mad. I could barely look at her. That's not cool. Not being able to look at your own sister. I hope be grow closer.

Sorry this is so short and....Lacking my real emotional commentary..I guess...My mom just walked by...Gotta go!

Father's Day!

I wanted this to be a long post about my trip outside my house (Yes! I left my house voluntarily in summer!) with Nick and how my mom thinks me and my dad are plotting against her...But I can't. Darn it Ness! The only reason I snuck on the computer was to get my post-of-the-day in. Even though it's a useless post...I promise to elaborate later...

My dad is MIA again...I couldn't even give him his father's day card...He'll probably show up later though...

I got a comment yesterday! Oh, I'm so happy! That made me happy for a while..

Gotta go!

Dinner

The wicked awesome thing about yesterday was that my dad took me to dinner with him. His boss asked him to go to dinner (along with a few other co-workers) and he took me! It was supposed to be a whole family thing, but that just didn't work out...

We went to a Japanese restaurant! The guy who came in front of us and cooked wasn't really that interesting (to me at least, I was kinda scared cause like a whole have of his face was a huge red burn mark...) but the food was great! I wanted to try sushi, but my dad was like, "For now, pick something you'll know you'll eat." So I got some chicken. And some shrimp. It was all so good! All good! And I tried a virgin pina colada and hated it. It was horrible! It was waaay too sweet and coconuty. I hate coconut flavors.

Now it's summer! Here's the plan:

Monday-I'm working at the job I had during the school year. I wanted to, and the money won't be bad. Of course, since I have this scholarship where I give half my money to the school, I'm probably gonna be making roughly $32.50 a day (instead of the original $65).

Tuesday-Volunteer at Arts Collinwood, an arts camp for little kids (all under 12 thank god!). That should be okish I guess. I only have to do it for four hours.

Wednesday-Same thing as in Tuesday. This day I think I have to stay five hours in all.

Thursday- Same thing as Tuesday. This time I go for four hours.

Friday-I originally planned to work today, but I couldn't cause my job wouldn't let me (I dunno why...) so I plan on being lazy this day...Or, I could draw...Oh no! No no no! Now I can't be lazy...I guess I'll draw on this day...

So, that's my summer plan. I start working next next Monday (after this upcoming Monday) and volunteering next week....OK, that's it. I want some cereal! Bye!

Freshman Year: Over!

Yes, I'm done with my freshman year! I survived! Yes, I did!

The last few posts have been 7 kinds of short. I am truly sorry about that Ness. I was just feeling lazy and tired from studying...

Today was kinda stupid. The only reason I went to school today was because it was A) Mandatory (I don't know why...) and B) For the yearbook. I was pissed the whole day, just cause we didn't really do anything seriously important.

I didn't even have many people sign my yearbook. I only searched out my really close friends and then sat around. People asked me to sign theirs and I was all shocked. I didn't even know what to write! God, I can not leave comments on anything! Everybody else wrote about 'having a great summer' and 'see you next year'; I wrote about random stuff. Like, completely random stuff. I felt bad about my crap comments during the mass after the yearbook signing.

Well, I'm no longer a Freshman. I'm a Sophomore now! Yeah! And I'm almost 15! Yeah! I guess. I dunno. I'm not all that excited...Not enough for all those exclamation points. It just seems like another long year to me...

Finals Day 3

I'm done!! Done done done!! This is a short post, I'm drained...Ok bye Ness...

Finals Day 2

Obviously, this whole studying thing was never really, me. But when I need to be studying for English, hands down the BIG TEST I usually study for, what am I doing? Not studying. The later in Finals I get, the less likely I am to study. I guess since I see the first couple were so easy, I just give up on studying...I don't know why. I need to fix that.

Finals, Day 1

After today's Finals I feel really good about the whole thing. Theology was as easy as, I don't know, something easy. I've been hearing things about the other tests and they say it's easy, but then again you can never trust someone until you see their grade in the subject.

Oh yeah, I'm not studying right now Ness...I might start at three, like I've been doing for all the other tests. Tomorrow is S.S. and Physics. Ugh. Then Math (uber easy!!) and English (uber long!! I always take a long time to finish an English test). I feel good. And lazy.

This is it Ness, I might start coloring a picture...I might. I hope I get to repost later, cause I got some stuff to tell. Nothing juicy, just about my summer and how much less free time I'll have.

Final Ball's in Motion

Yes, it's Finals week! Which means my last week of school! Which means summer is so near I can taste it, and feel the laziness coming on!

All there is now is to take the dreaded Finals. No more days to worry, the ball has been dropped! It's only downhill from here. Once these Finals are over...Man!

I don't even feel that worried about Finals now. I know I'm gonna study and hopefully get the majority of the stuff. I got this man, I hope I got this. Then, SUMMERTIME!!

I think I only have like 4 free days before I have to go to Arts Collinwood. I still don't know if Arieana's doing it this yet, I hope not...Well, part of me hopes not. The other part thinks it's nice my sister would be there...But believe me when I say that that other part is small. Very small.

Tomorrow's Final is Keyboarding and Theology! I can't wait until they're over!

Quinten

Wasting time Ness, it should be my job or something...I love doing it!

I did study for three hours today Ness. I plan on studying some more later, most likely English. I don't plan on ever studying for Math, just cause it was easy this year...To me at least.

Ah...I still don't know what to write about...

Oh! This guy in my class named Quinten (I'm not sure if that's how you spell his name) said that he'd bang me if I lost some weight. That's basically what he said. See, Laurence (that's how you spell his name!) and Quinten were talking about all the hot girls in the class and who they'd have sex with. Laurence told me this information while waiting for our rides. At first he was like, "Quinten said something very interesting about you..." then he started to laugh. I got a little pissed so I told him I didn't want to hear it. I knew he'd tell me anyway, but I still said no. And guess what Ness? He told me. "Quinten said," Laurence made sure to say that, "That if you lost some weight then you'd be alright." At first I was really pissed, at Quinten, but then I thought about it and got over it. The boy was only stating the obvious. The obvious being that there is hope for me yet (and the need to lose weight). Hope for what? I dunno. I didn't think that deep into it.

I don't know what to talk about Ness. This is gonna be a short one too...

It's funny that when I have to study for a test or something (in this case FINALS), a whole bunch of other things distract me. Like, playing my video games when I haven't touched those in months. Or, drawing (even though I should be doing that...). I don't know Ness. Studying just isn't my thing.

I hate studying, I really do. But I know I'll be glad I did it later...

I studied for three hours today! Go me! That's all I can write right now...Sorry Ness..

The Slam of a Lifetime

Sorry for my past two crappy posts, Ness. I was swamped with studying, the first time, and then yesterday I just didn't feel like posting.

Oh! I won the Poetry Slam, Ness! Me! Me! See, we had a Poetry Slam in English class (to end the year and the short poetry unit). I read my Floods poem. I was really nervous the day before cause I'm always nervous when speaking to people. I practiced my poem, adding in attitude and "flavor" I guess throughout it, until I memorized it. Then the day of I sat back and waited until I got chosen. But then River got up when it was my turn so I was just like, "Go ahead man! You rock! It's all you!" so I could distract Ms.Stover (so she'd forget it was my turn). When River read his poem he moved around the room, spoke directly to people, he even combed his hair during one part. I thought, no knew, he had it in the bag. So then I got up there in the chair, in front of everybody. I smiled and took a deep breath, and stopped thinking. My mind just shut off. And I said my poem flawlessly. I didn't make any of the mistakes I kept making at home, I just spoke it. It was an amazing feeling! Just letting the words flow out of you like water. I was so happy when I finished it! People gave me a standing ovation and stuff. I was so happy! Ms.Stover said it was good too! Then the judges left the room to deliberate. When they came back Ms. Stover went to the front of the room and said that the judges had decided that there should be two winners. I got a little hopeful then, but Ms.Stover then said, "The runner up is, River!" and I gasped and clapped. But I was still nervous, since I had never won anything before. What would make that day different? Then she turned to me and said I was the winner! Everybody jumped up, including me, and clapped and I ran to the front of the room and bowed. I was glad I had a skirt on, it felt nice to curtsy! God I was happy! So happy! I can't describe the feeling. The whole day Ms. Stover congratulated me. So happy!

So happy! Oh Ness, I finally won something! Woohoo me! I rock!

I'm not sure if I'm gonna post something today either, sorry Ness...

Well, I'm posting Ness! Yes, I am posting!

I think this is gonna be a "Hey, I posted, right?" post cause, I have nothing to say. My hour of studying for finals has drained me.

Still don't know what the deal with my dad is. My mom says he might be staying, but if he don't want to stay I don't see the point of him being here. That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. If he'll be happier somewhere else, then he should go somewhere else. I don't want him to stay here and be miserable.

School is bugging me. Next week is Finals, and I'm not really worried about that. I think of it this way, if I completely bomb all my tests, I'd still have a C average, which isn't good, but it's not bad either. I just know that I'll survive. I survived the mid-terms, I can survive the Finals.

I don't know what's going on in Physics, but I know I'm starting to hate it. We learned about light in one day, when Ms. Wolfe (the teacher) sat there and said it would take two days to cover the stuff! She's really getting on my nerves. Maybe she enjoys my pain, she said so earlier in the year when we were learning about atoms. She said I reminded her of her brother in college cause all his life he did really well in school but in college he had gotten C's. But she also said that she was glad I was suffering in high school and not in college. Whatever. I just know she's grating on my nerves.

Summer is so close, I can feel it! So close!

I can't believe it's only Tuesday! Every other week zooms by, but this week takes forever and a day. I still can't believe it's Tuesday.

Well, I should be doing my homework. I don't feel like it. I have to write two poems, one for English, and then one for Theology. The English was expected (and it's hard as, well, it's just plain hard) and Theology? I slaved over my tree for 15 minutes, an awesome looking tree, and I showed it to Mr.Range and he's like, "This is great, but you need more." And I was pissed cause on the sheet he gave us for our project it said artwork (which I did), or a poem, or a play etc. etc. He didn't say we had to combine them. God, I was mad! But now I'm just worried about writing the freaking poem. (Oh, my tree, and poem, was for the Mustard Seed parable...)

Well, I'm going. I have to meet with the Arts Collinwood lady today, and my mom is already talking about me volunteering at the Food Bank. I don't mind, but I do hope there's some people my age at the Food Bank. I don't want to be alone. And I want to meet people too!

I'm always talking about meeting people, but when I get around people I get shy...I'm serious. I get tongue-tied, I don't hear people (they have to say the same thing to me two or three times before I awake from my stupor), I generally don't understand what someone means (even the simplest of questions!)...It's so weird! I just know I come off like a major freak and dork. I've also heard boring. Everyone thinks I'm boring! I just be nervous and shy, not boring. You can't show your crazy side to people you've just met.

This is gonna be quick, I hope.

I don't know what's going on with my dad. Last night, he and my mom were arguing a lot. They even came to my room. My mom was on the verge of tears and she explained (rather, harshly) how my dad had an apartment he was fixing up and how he didn't care about us. I didn't really know what to think, the only thought I could possibly form was, "Please, dear God, get them out of my room." I just didn't want to deal with it all really. I just wanted them to argue and leave me out of it.

I was a little surprised that my dad had an apartment. It takes commitment and time to get those things. It pissed me off a little, but hey, I don't know. I think I'm still processing the information. I cried yesterday for a full two minutes. Then I finished my book. And went to bed.

Well, I gotta go. I'm over Cathy's house, and it's time to go now. At least I post(ed) right, Ness? OK, bye!

M.I.A

This is the second time its happened! The second time! The second time my dad hasn't come home from God-Knows-Where. The second time he's just totally forgotten about us. The second time he's been missing in action.

I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. My dad, I just, whenever I mention him (rarely to anyone), or think about him, I can't describe my emotions. I think it's a mix of confusion, and dislike, and want. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want to say hate, but dislike is the only thing I could come up with along those lines.

Will I feel better if I break my feelings down? Let me try. Hopefully by the time I'm done, he'll be home.

The confusion. That comes from not knowing him anymore. Before (before what? I don't know.) we used to be so close. Whenever my mom would yell at me, I'd go to him and he'd make me laugh. I'd just get him. I'd get his jokes, I'd get where he was coming from. He just confuses me now. His actions scream out that he hates it here (obviously, if he's never home) but yet he stays. If I didn't like it somewhere, I'd try to make it work or just leave. I guess he tried to make it work. Now...

The dislike. This sprang up when I called home the other day and asked to talk to Arieana and he mumbled, "You're turning out just like your mother." To say that crushed my soul would be an understatement. I felt like crying, right in front of my mom and Nanny. How dare he! I know he hates my mom, he's said it more than once, and for him to say that I'm turning out just like her?! What? If only he knew how much that hurt me, then he'd regret it and try to make it up to me a thousandfold. At least I hope he would. But, ever since that day, I can't even look at him. Just the plain association, "Ariel is like her mother, the woman I hate." It just hurts.

Then the want. I want to understand him. I want to feel loved by him. I want him to be here and everything to be OK. I want, no, wish I didn't know his plots (or actions) of cheating.

Oh yes, Ness, I know he's planning on cheating, if he hasn't already. I just know. Where else could he be all day? "The Garage" excuse worked last year, when he was actually there at the garage. Last year he never talked on his cell phone, and only three people called him. Now, there is no "Garage", there's no excuse at all. He just leaves. And he's always on his cell phone. All the time. Once it rang in the morning and some girl's name showed up. Then she sent a text, I think. The point is, I know he's not faithful. And a part of me can't blame him. But seriously, why do it? I don't understand.

Back to the wanting. I want a lot from him and I don't know that he can A) give it or B) has given everything I want, and since I'm turning into my mother, apparently, I haven't noticed. God, I wish he hadn't told me that! I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to live in a house with a man who doesn't love me, appreciate me, and shows he cares by actually being in the freaking house! I don't want to live like that; I sure as hell won't live like that. I've been single before and I can be it again. I'll remember that.

And then there's Arieana, the Obvious Favorite. Whenever my dad sees I'm jealous of the attention he gives her he says, "I used to do that same stuff with you." OK, that's great. But that was a long time ago, and you only had to worry about one child. Now you've got two, and not giving the old one enough attention. But it's not his fault, not entirely. He does try to talk to me. But I just don't feel like talking, and what exactly would we talk about? I just run to my room whenever he comes home anyway.

I see my mom too, and see how this whole M.I.A thing is affecting her. To me, she looks sorta confused. What is she supposed to feel? Anger because he's not home, despair cause it's obvious he doesn't like her, or fear because of the aftermath if he left? I don't know what to tell her. I try to disappear when she gets this way, confused and scared. Maybe not scared, cause it's hard to say my mom is scared, but I know I would be if I was in her shoes.

I don't want to think of my dad leaving. I used to pride myself on telling friends that my dad was still in my household, not in some jail cell, not in the streets, not with another woman, he was home and I saw him everyday. I'd feel bad for the kids, well most of my classmates, who didn't have dads. But now it's like, at least some of them never met their dad. Since he's not there, there's nothing to miss. I know that if my dad leaves, it'll be the worst thing in my life. I've heard the stories, the studies. Girls without dads look for father figures in all the wrong guys. I'm not gonna go through that. Arieana might. I know no "bad father figure" would be interested in me. Arieana is remotely attractive (eh, to others). I worry about that.

He's still not here. And it's 3:30 PM. I need to work on Theology, since it's due...It's actually due Wednesday, but me and Dawn got a plan that says I need to get my artwork done before tomorrow.

I'll see you later Ness. By the time I post again, my dad should be home. I hope.

I was thinking Ness, that maybe for one month I post everyday! Wouldn't that be a cool idea? Yep, I know it would. I don't want to make that month June though, cause I know it's gonna be really hard for me to post tomorrow. I haven't even attempted to do my Theology homework.

I've been thinking of pimping Mikki a little. No, not sexually! Just starting a whole bunch of posts until someone replies to one. So far I've made two and no replies. Of course, I know you have to wait for such things, just cause you go to your friends before someone new. At least, that's the case with me. But I'm still considering pimping my baby, especially since I spent so much time on him! So much, so much! I even found a picture; Somebody has to see him in action.

Another thing, short emos rule the world. I'm dead serious! Whenever there's a short emo involved in anything (I'm still talking about Rping, not the "real world") everyone jumps on it like a sickness. People must like angst. I don't. I got enough angst in real life, I sure as hell don't wanna rp with it too. That always made me mad. What's wrong with happy people? People who like to wake up everyday and see the sun, people who like to live? I usually just end up screaming at the computer screen, for the emos to get over it. There's also an abundance of people on there (Mori High) who's parents are abusive/ had no parents/were raped. Both my characters had pretty good lives if you ask me. They're happy too. There lies the problem I see.

Mikki, in fact, was supposed to be all emo and depressed. But when I finished him I was like, "Who the hell am I kidding? I can't act emo! I can't act depressed for more than a few seconds!" Now, a true writer would still keep Mikki emo just cause it's out of their comfort zone. Well, that sucks. Cause I know that I just couldn't do it. I don't wanna have a depressed character. I just, everybody's depressed these days! I think a happy person is truly unique, and I knew (and know) I wanted a unique character.

This reminds me of when Jayson told me that Winnie sickened him, cause I talked about Winnie so much, and how I was living my life through Winnie. The latter I knew, I knew that before I even started role-playing! It was just common knowledge to me. But the former? Uh, I was pissed when I first heard him say that.

People just don't get it! I love my characters like they're human beings. If I could, I'd spend hours and hours role-playing both (Keyword: Both, not just Winnie. Mikki needs to meet someone!) my babies. They're just like appendages to me. Or of me...Anyway, I just love them. Love love love them. I know I'd be a totally different person if I didn't create those beings.

But do I love my characters too much? Hmm...Hell no! No way! If there's people out there who worship rocks, and love rocks, I think I can love my babies like they're human beings. It's not like I'm murdering people or anything, I just love fictional characters.

Me not loving fictional characters means I have a major mental problem. I've always been this way. Falling in deep, passionate love with people in books, manga, anime, and just imaginary folks I create. It's my nature. I don't know why it's my nature to be completely insane, but that's me...And when I'm talking love, I mean, I dream about these people. I may not remember their names (for some reason I have a horrible time remembering names; it gets so bad people think I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I do!) but I remember them. And then when someone dies! I cry! I weep! I moan and put down whatever I was watching/reading.

Mom's home! I gotta go...Darn my post got cut short....Ah well.

The Wheel

History does repeat itself Ness! Oh God, does it ever!

Next week in English class we're doing poetry. POETRY! Man, as soon as I heard that I just went nuts. An inner nuts, not really saying anything...I mean, why poetry? Poetry has scarred me! Lol, but now that I've done the first poetry assignment, I find it easier to write (and read) my stuff.

It's June 1st! To me, that's the official start of summer. I don't know, but June has always been a happy month for me. Maybe it's getting out of school. Probably that. But then there's the whole "new beginnings" aspect. Just think Ness, three (er, well, two) months not seeing all the familiar faces you spent nine months with. Think of how much we all can change in two months! It's fun changing, growing into a new and better person. I just can't wait to see the change I make this summer.

Most summers I don't really make a physical change. No, all summers I never make much of a physical change. This summer probably won't be different, it all depends on my workload/time I spend out of the house. But every summer, I make a mental change. The things I like shift, people I enjoy change, how I view the world molds itself into a different perspective. Some summers it's small, but for the past few years my mental changes have been huge. So huge that I can't really name them, they just are.

I already mentioned the dilemma I have with what I'm doing this summer. It's starting to bother me now...All the questions I have. Do I want money or do I want to work with kids? Have fun, do artwork for three hours, or slave for four hours? I think Arts Collinwood sounds better than the job opportunity, but I do like money. Ah well, I just hope Arts Collinwood calls me. I don't really want to pick up the phone and call them...I get nervous.

I noticed that I got really nervous today when Lawrence (I think that's how you spell his name; my crush) walked by me. I get nervous just thinking about him, like right now...Lately he's been annoying the hell out of me, and I'm talking on a serious level. Always poking, always touching, always saying little things he knows will piss me off. But I think it's cute. I don't know why, but it's cute. And I think he's cute. And he's taller than me (like half an inch or so). I can't explain it. I think he likes me. And that's a scary yet wondrous thought. Someone liking me?! Huh? But I think, no know, he likes me. And I like him. A lot. Right now it even feels as if we're dating, give or take the fact that he brings up other girls he wants to date all the time.

I'm getting mixed messages from him. Like, one day he talked about how he was gonna totally hook up some girl that night (he didn't), but the next day when I was talking about Nick, he was all up in it! "Who is that?" "How long have you known him?" "Where'd you meet him?" So many questions! I just flat out told him we (me and Nick) weren't dating. After that he left the issue alone. He seemed happy.

Then another time we were talking about first loves (all the juicy stuff happens in English by the way, that's first period). He went into how his was hot and smart. I forgot the name of mine for a second and all of a sudden he was like, "Don't tell me, his name begins with an L." And he just started smiling and laughing. For a second I was serious and shaking my head. After that second I blushed and just continued to say no. It took me a moment to realize he had asked...I can't even say it.

What if Lawrence doesn't like me? What if he knows that I like him, and he's just playing around with me? Why would he care so much?

But I won't have to worry about that next year. Cause he won't be here next year. He's transferring to another school. That makes me angry and depressed. A guy finally (maybe, maybe not) likes me, is interested in me, but up and leaves before anything can blossom. Man! I know there will be other guys (Lawrence has given me hope!), but why did this one have to leave? When will the next guy show up?

Unlike my gay male friends, I'm pretty patient. I've been patient for 14 years so far, I think I can wait a little longer. I don't know how much longer though. I see why girls get so boy-crazy. This is insane! The waiting, the watching, the hoping, then the inevitable dread cause he has to go. To think some people actually enjoy this...

Is it only a number?

You know the saying Ness, "Age is only but a number." But is it really?

This question has always been in the back of my mind, always making an appearance on my birthday. But today in the car, while talking on her cell phone, my mom mentioned how she's learning for my bad cousins how to treat me when I get 16. She's learning how to deal with the mood swings ("Don't I already have those?", I said.), the ups and downs.

The fact that I'm pretty young now depresses me. Why, when so many people today are fighting to find the fountain of youth? Well, I feel old. Really old. Older than I think I should feel.

What should I feel? What do normal fourteen-year-olds feel? How do I know I'm not normal? I mean, I see a difference from me and another average Jane fourteen-year-old girl. Some of them are really dumb and superficial (yet oddly important to me) like, she has a boyfriend, I don't. She gets invited to parties, I don't. She loves talking on the phone, I don't, unless I'm really hyper and going through a lack of a social fix.

Then others are, inside type things. She has a lot of friends (I think you attract friends cause of your insides, but that's another post), I don't (I'm sorta OK with that). She's flirtatious, I'm not. Kinda lame, inside type stuff, but my Internet just crashed and I couldn't think of anymore...

And yes, I know there are a whole boatload of other teenage girls my age that feel the same way as me, but where are they? Where do I find them? I know I'm not searching in the right places...I know I'm not alone. People are never alone. Emotions are universal. So, where are the others?

I dunno. The main point is that I feel old. It amazes me that I still have a lifetime to live. I'm only on the tip of the iceberg.

Copy

Today in S.S. Mariah asked to copy my Physics homework. The funny thing is, I let her.

Mariah is a total copier! Total! She should work in the office mail room, she copies so much! I've always slid by her cause normally she'd copy off of Dawn. But today she caught me. To say the least, I was totally pissed.

What could I have done? Flat out been the secret bitch I am and told her to open a damn book for once? Yeah, I could of. But then I would be reliving my whole elementary school career and I don't want to do that.

I just stared at her the whole time. We had just taken a test in Social Studies, had a whole bunch of free time, and I even had a book. But I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I was just so worried. Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. Like, what if Ms. Wolfe (the Physics teacher) notices? Or, will she copy word for word? Why couldn't she copy off of someone else? Why me? Why didn't I tell her the truth, that opening a book/ finding someone else to copy off of would be better?

I felt so used. That's the way I always feel when people copy off of me. Used. Like, I'm not worth speaking to (cause all the people that copy off of me usually don't talk to me), I'm only worth copying off of. It's just like a big slap in the face. At least when I need a little nudge (I never copy; I'm too afraid) I ask one of my friends, not some random smart person.

That brings me back to that girl who copied, scratch that, completely stole my English paper. I was just so heart broken when I had found out. I almost cried. I worked really hard on that paper, and to have this girl, whose homework I helped he do, copy off of me. It was really disrespectful. That girl even speaks to me still. Out of the corner of my eye though, I see her staring at me with fear on her face. As if in some random lunch conversation I'd bring up how much she pissed me off. I should, but it's all old news now.

Weird

You know what weird thing happened today Ness? Of course, I'm gonna tell you.

Well, I was writing a profile for a new RP character I'm making. His name is Mikki (almost done, the history is bothering me a little; don't know how to write it) and he's a water nymph. In describing him I said he had see green hair with blue highlights. He's black (I don't think I'll ever make a white RP character, I think there's enough in the world...But never say never).

So like a few minutes ago I was sitting at the computer like, "Where am I gonna find a picture for him?" I feel kind weird that Winnie (my other character) doesn't have a picture, but nobody has like chopped my head off about it. But still, I feel weird. I vowed that for Mikki I'd find a pic. I had too. He needed one. I'm tired of people of color not having any anime-style pictures. I had to give the people something to look at, so they wouldn't guess as to what Mikki looked like.

I decided to look in my stash of pics on my jump drive. I skim, and skim, and skim (only looking at the skin color) then BAM! This one picture jumps out at me like a ton of bricks in the face. It was Mikki! My God, it was freakin weird, just looking at the screen and seeing him! I have to change a few details about the Mikki I wrote about (like hair length, skin tone) but that's it! That's it! It was weird to say the least Ness. Here's the picture:

AMAZING! That totally made my day! But I was happy before. I was just really happy today, for no reason. I think it's school, cause I really like school now. I don't know what I'm gonna do in the summer...

Hopefully I'll get a job or find somewhere to volunteer. Hopefully Arts Collinwood will hire me again. After last year I don't know.. I won't mind working with the little kids. The older I get the more fun it is to me. I'm sorta hoping I don't get that job I applied for and I get to volunteer. Arts Collinwood is only half a day, and it's fun to do art projects. It gives me a reason to draw more often (one of my long-long-time goals.)

Well, I'm heading out! Love ya Ness! Mikki has made me so happy (I don't even know if I'm gonna RP him yet, but I got a picture just in case!)

I've given up on checking my blog for comments...I just know they were never meant to be on here anyway...

Hmm...I'm really confused Ness. I don't know what I want to be. By "be" I mean, what label do I fit in? Like, am I a nerd, or a geek, or what? I don't wanna be lame, I'm tired of being completely in the gray area. I need to fit in somewhere..Ok, it's not really a 'need' but it'd be nice to fit in somewhere!

I know you just don't wake up and 'fit in', you gotta do something...But I don't know what to do! I'm just so confused..Other teenagers make it seem so easy, this 'making friends on the net' business, but in reality, well for me, it's not. Maybe I need to find out more about me, the Ariel, and then branch off into the communities that'd help me meet folks. Just randomly going on Myspace on a whim ain't working. Especially since Myspace isn't what I'd expect it to be.

Hmm...I need to figure out me Ness. It's hard. One second I like 'this' and the next I like 'that'. One second I fear total rejection by the community that likes 'that' and the next I don't care. How do I even know if I have 'that' right?

I don't even see why I'm worrying about this...It'll work itself out soon enough...I got a whole lot of teenage years left to emo and worry about it...

Hmm....I had all the time in the world to post yesterday Ness and I didn't. Ah well.

Posting has become so hard now! It seems like there's nothing going on when there there is! I just don't know how to put it onto paper...Or in this case a little tan box. I dunno! Just random stuff comes to my mind these days and I just can't hold onto the thoughts long enough to put them anywhere..And these thoughts be, like, amazing life altering type stuff, but I always for get them!

I wonder if it's just the hormones...I hope this forgetfulness faze is almost done.

And to think, I'm just hit the tip of the teenage iceberg! The tip! I won't be done with the angst for another...5 years. 5 Years!

*Sigh*

I'll cut to the chase. This is gonna be a real quick, real fast post. Cilla is pregnant. Pregnant! Oh GAWD! She's what, 17!? My goodness.

Saturday was going all good and stuff. Me and my little sister had a dentist appointment in the morning and that was, alright. Surprisingly, I have two cavities and Arieana surprisingly has none, but I won't talk about that. Then after that I searched through the mall and looked at some really cool stuff. I'm secretly trying to find a way to express myself through clothing, and that little walk around sorta helped. Then I had to call Robbyn cause she was pissed that her dad wasn't spending any time with her. He was spending time with his girlfriend. Then that kinda blew up and stuff but my mom, always the peacemaker, calmed everyone down.

On the way home my mom calls Michelle (Robbyn's dad's girlfriend) and they started talking about Robbyn and such. Then all of a sudden my mom asks Michelle if Cilla has a disease (it's been know Cilla has reckless sex, we all knew for a while) and then (through code) my mom finds out Cilla is pregnant. By the time she finds out we're literally outside our house door. So we drive to Robbyn's house and Cilla, my mom, and Michelle yell at each other and yadda yadda. I was in the back room with Arieana so I couldn't here much....Then we leave and head over to my Nanny's house. We pick up Saniyah, bring her home so she can go wild (which is what she did) and then my mom took her home.

Cilla is keeping the baby. My mom wanted an abortion, which is something I'm on the fence about. But she's keeping the baby. I just wish she never had a baby to deal with in the first place. Her future wasn't bright anyway, but with a baby it sure as hell got darker quick.

Freshman Retreat

Well, this happened last Wednesday and I really don't feel like talking about it a week or so later. But, I know this is what memories are made of and since my memory is sorta lame, I'll write it down. Briefly.

As soon as we got there I was a little bummed since we all (meaning me, Dawn, and Larry) got different colored folders, meaning different groups. But after I found out I was with Ms. Stover, all my grief eased.

Then there was a short little prayer ceremony and the theme this year was "Fingerprints of God". Then they played some song by the same name. The song was, well, I liked the lyrics. It said something about being a beautiful masterpiece and nature was silently applauding you. The lyrics were wicked cool. As cool as any Christian song can be.

I don't have anything against gospel music or anything, but most of the stuff I've heard (from The Fish radio station) involving God was kinda crappy. Aside from saying they loved God and Jesus, there wasn't any meat. It didn't move me much at all. Yeah, pretty melody and sounds, nice tune and lyrics that get crammed in your head, enough to the point that a die-hard atheist would be singing and proclaiming love for God. But the point is, they all sound cheap and cheery and well, not my cup of tea. Or hot chocolate, since I'm not really a tea fan.

Where was I? Oh yeah! After that prayer service thing there was a nature hike. I guess I should mention the retreat took place on this campground called Camp Cheerful. It's a camp for kids with special needs (I don't like the way 'special needs' sounds...) to come have a camping experience. Anyway, the hike was kind of bitter sweet. I mean, the good side was I figured out that I really enjoyed nature and movement and being outside and being around other human beings (sorta, I'm still on the fence about the other human beings part) but the bad part was that I noticed how out of shape I was and how out of it I just generally was with other people. That hike was just yet another "Dude, I need to leave my house more." moment. But the great thing is, the sweet parts of the hike definitely outweighed the bitter parts. At least, in my mind they did.

After the hike...I forgot what we did....Well, I guess after that we went inside to listen to this lady, Mrs. Beers, speak. She was a great speaker. She spoke about the heart and normally her husband (who's completely paralyzed) would of come with her but he died in December, I think. But, she was just an all around awesome speaker. She made me think about the world around me and God in a new light. Slowly that whole day changed my relationship with God, but Ms. Beers was incredible. In short, her life sucked, but she was so cheery and happy and thankful! It was amazing, like a breath of cool, fresh air, to have her speak about all the bad things with a smile on her face. How she survived all the crap itself is amazing. I just can't explain it, I was near tears after her words.

Then lunch came, and that was uneventful as usual. I came out and said I wanted to be and English and History teacher, something I'd been hinting at since I was what, born? A little part of me knew I would want to be a teacher, but it wasn't solid. I would always think of how my classmates would treat my teacher and I knew I'd never survive the treatment. But now, I think I would be able to survive (surviving meaning crying in the privacy of a locked classroom door, alone) and move on. The only thing that worries me about becoming a teacher is my laziness. I'm pretty damn lazy.

Ness, here I am rambling, my greatest trait! After lunch we played outside (like recess, which was nice) and then we played this game in our groups where you throw a beach ball to someone and then whoever had the tennis ball would give compliments to the beach ball holder. I actually worked on my compliments since I always hated whenever my class would do activities like that one and I'd get generic, copied-from-someone-else comments. When my turn came around everyone threw in nice and smart but I was surprised about the other things people were saying. Ms. Stover then told me about my humor and how it was dry, sarcastic, and mean. I laughed at that! She knows me too well. That exercise made me feel good.

Then we went to silently reflect on our day or something like that. Suddenly this kid in my classes, Mutuus, fainted and we went inside for more reflecting. This time we made little magnets about all the good things about us. Mine is really cute if I do say so myself! Then after that we went outside and showed our magnets to our group. After that there was a final prayer service type thing were we listened to the "Fingerprints of God" song again and put all our magnets on the board (this was the second group of freshman, not the whole class, so they fit). After that it was playtime! Then we left the place (late, two cabs left without all the students that were supposed to have, ten minutes was spent cramming kids in the other cabs) and went home.

Yep, there's the Freshman Retreat for ya. Not very brief I see...

I hope to write soon Ness, I really do enjoy our time together. (Ha! It's like I'm talking to a human being! But Ness, you are like a human being to me! A nice, calm, caring human being that isn't afraid to associate himself (yes, you're a dude) with a crazy girl like me. Go you Ness, go you!)

Signs

Ness, there's been a lot of important things that've been going on and I'm sorry that I haven't really updated you on them. I guess I'll take the time I have now to do so. Sorry Ness.

Today Arieana showed signs of actually caring about what others think. It happened a few minutes ago actually.

My (er, our) mom showed up out of nowhere and said Arieana needed a joke for school tomorrow. Well, I had two good jokes (both given to me by my English teacher Ms.Stover) and they were 1) Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the bark. 2) Where does the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies. Now considering this is a group of six year olds we're talking about, the jokes didn't have to be funny. But no, those weren't good enough for Arieana (and my mom, since I had to explain the king one to her) so I went on the computer downstairs to find her one.

Now, Yahoo jokes sucked. I don't know who submitted the crap, but they were horribly unfunny. Arieana thought so too. But then we came across this gem; it was a joke that even made me laugh! It was, What do cops use to arrest pigs? Ham-cuffs! Get it, ham (since pigs are pork, well, ham) and cuffs....It was so funny! At first Arieana was all for it, but then after she showed my mom she didn't like it so much. That made me mad! I was sitting there like, Find your own damn joke then (I was really into that joke; no, I did not say that to my little sister!). In reply to my huffing Arieana said, "I don't think it's funny. What if they say," And she titled her body to the side and swung her head back, " 'That's not funny.' I wanna say a joke that's funny to me and that wasn't funny."

A few minutes ago I wasn't really thinking about her answer, but now I'm horrified! My God, she's, eventually, gonna spend most of her time thinking about whether her normal actions are funny and acceptable to her peers, let alone a simple joke! I wish she didn't care what people think of her and her jokes. I wish it was all fun and games to her and a simple just a joke she had to give to the class. If only she knew the pain of thinking about other minds! Hehe, if I told her how I'm emoing (look Ness, a new word!) over her discovery of other people's thoughts she'd think I was more crazy than I normally come off...Ah well. It was gonna happen eventually. The caring of other people's thoughts. A small part of me wishes I was there more often when she didn't care so much.

Lesbian!?

Well, tomorrow there's no school cause I go on my freshman retreat Wednesday! But more importantly, I need to explain my title.

Well, me, Lawrence ( I think that's how you spell his name...), Dawn were in math class. Larry (there's no way to not spell that right!) was being annoying as usual and coping off of me. I don't mind him copying. Well, I mind, but not enough to stop him. Plus, I like him, a lot, so, at the moment it doesn't really matter what he does....

Anyway, so out of the blue (After Dawn turned her head to look at someone else) Larry asked, "So, Ariel (that's me), do you," Then he covers his mouth and whispers, "Like girls?" And I was like, in a whispered tone, "No. I don't. I'm glad you think that..." Then he looked shocked (Yes, shocked! I don't understand it myself) and said surprised, "Well, that changes everything!" And then he added quietly, "But if you are it's alright, you can tell me." OK....

Need I say more? I mean, a lesbian? What!? There's nothing wrong with lesbians or anything, but I just never thought I came off that way...That's embarrassing! To have your crush, think you're gay..I sigh when I think about it now..My chanced with him are ruined...

Wow! I thought we flirted before, and now I know he thought I was gay, so it was probably like plain 'playing with one of the guys.'

I guess it wasn't meant to be...Ah well, who cares. At least I posted, right Ness?

Blame the Space

Blame the Space Ness for taking me away from you! If I didn't post so much in my myspace blog..I'd be..here! I need to name that myspace blog too, since I always name my blogs/journals.

Anyway, I decided to pimp my Myspace page out, since, my friend from school, Katherine, has taken it upon herself to post about 6 bulletins about me! It was embarrassing...But if I put my myspace here, it's not like pimping it out since nobody reads this thing..Oh well! I'm gonna put it in the margin so if a lost soul does wander to my blog, they can wander to my myspace also. That myspace thing is addicting...Like the Sims 2! Which I plan on playing today!

http://www.myspace.com/184515126

Yeah, I didn't get a specific URL since I don't know how long I'm gonna be on there...and I probably would wanna change the thing anyway...So I'm sticking with numbers...

I had to lie on there so my profile wouldn't be private...It sucks having to lie!
Bye ness! (This post was short!)

Long

It's kind of ironic how I put "Long" as my post title when I know my post won't be. I'm trying to make it short.

Everything with Jayson has settled down. He went back to Sunberry...I don't know if I mentioned that earlier...Anyway, I might post the email I sent to my friend Nick to explain everything that happened...Again, I seriously can't remember if I talked about that...

Anyway, I made a Myspace! I'm gonna put the page URL thingy on here whenever it starts to work. Myspace is acting up, after I join too! Anyway, it's not like anyone reads my blog so I don't have to worry about too many people finding my page.

Today is just gonna be one of those "Talk about anything not related to school" day since school is seriously getting on my nerves. We have three tests Thursday, and that's cool and all, but we have a HUGE one in Social Studies! Are you kidding? Ness, the S.S. teacher doesn't even teach us anything, and I'm serious. The whole unit we're getting tested on what we "learned" from answering packet questions cause he wasn't here to teach it to us. Then when he came back we watched a movie on New Orleans. I'm mad. I talked about him in class today; I know he heard me. I had this feeling, like, oops, he heard me. It's no secret my S.S. teacher (and advisor) listens in on me and my friends conversations, but I didn't think he'd do it during class..Apparently he did though...I'm a little bummed that he heard me and ignored my question...Ah well...I've accepted the fact that I'll probably fail that test...Man, and I know it's gonna be total hell on earth to have to make the darn thing up! Grr..

I'm really mellow now. In school I'm mellow, but at home on the computer I'm kinda...What's a good word? Weird? No, too harsh. Quirky? Quirky is a cool word, I'm not sure if I'm worthy of it! Hmm...I'll stick with weird, 'quirky' is...Well, I'm weird. If you haven't noticed from me naming my blog (Ness!) to me being a hermit, then there's a problem with your eyesight. I'm totally weird, and totally OK with it.

I read some of a blog I had in 7th grade! Oh god! I was soo...Ugh, I can't believe I thought that way..I mean, I'm pretty much the same girl then and now but now I'm a lot more mature and accepting. Back then I was pretty emo and I complained a lot. Now, I don't complain so much (at least I think so). I know later on in life when I read this post I'll feel the same way I do about the 7th grade me. In the future I'll be saying the same stuff, about how weird I was (and am). That's cool. It's interesting to see how time affects a person and their writing. With all these blogs I have I know I'll be seeing such a change. My writing style has definitely changed, cause back then, woo! But it was funny to see a little me stuck in time. It's nice to know there'll be a part of me in 7th grade on the net forever. Another weird thing about that blog was I don't really remember it. I don't remember writing in it. And then the events I don't really remember. Reading the blog was like reading the life of another person. I can't believe that was me! I'm still stuck on that! Man, weird.

The reason I stopped writing in that blog was cause a person kept flaming me. It took like two posts for me to notice (I didn't get that far but I remember it happening) and I just stopped. I cried too, since the flamer didn't even know me! Now I don't have to worry about flamers, since no one reads you Ness. I guess I lose them at the word 'teenage'. I think so. Even with me I avoid things with that word in it. Teenagers are kinda emo, and I realize I went through my pissy emo stage in 7th grade. Unless all 7th graders are emo. I have no idea.

A thought struck me. Will I become more emotional as I grow older? I hear so many horror stories and lifetime movies about sixteen year old crazies and stuff. I wouldn't mind letting loose, but I know my limit. I don't wanna be those wild 16 year old drinkers and smokers and sex...People who have sex...I just wanna be a weird virgin. With a boyfriend!

God I want a boyfriend! It's not the fact I'd have a male companion, I'd just have another companion. I just want friends, more friends. That's probably why I joined Myspace again...

Well, I gotta finish my homework. Didn't mean to make my post so long, but talking to you is so fun Ness! Who cares if no one reads this? All I know is that I can look back at this in the future and see a little piece of the 14 year old me stuck in time forever.