My ID's were found! Yay!

I'm gonna call Jayson. He thinks he's the reason I don't like talking on the phone and the reason I'm never by my phone and crap. It kinda makes me mad, how he thinks it's his fault. The world doesn't revolve around him, you know? So, I don't know what I'm gonna say to him when I call, I really don't feel like saying much of anything. But I don't want him to do something crazy, like try and off himself, so I'm going to call. I gotta keep my cool, cause I'm pissy and getting rid of my uterus (Or something along those lines; I can't remember the scientific reason for periods.) and not in the mood.

I totally mini-cussed out a girl today in Spanish cause she was getting juice everywhere. She was swinging her bottle around and I was like, about to murder her. But I didn't. That's why it was a mini-cussing out...

I'm gonna go call him. Talk to you later.

Oh yeah, I forgot to rant about me failing a test. How dare I forget!

So yeah, I went to see Dr. Tatum speak and such. That was cool. So cool I totally don't feel like talking about it.

I get back to school and I decide to take the History test just so I wouldn't have to take it Monday. Bad idea. Horrible idea. That test will surely get me a suspension.

The first few question were OK. I mean, we never talked about most of them in class, but common knowledge saved the day. Then I get to the short answer section, which is basically 8 pages from a 10 page test, and just...Died. I mean, that was crazy. All the questions in that section I had no idea what the answer was. None. Never before had I been so ashamed. I felt like the whole world knew I knew nothing on that test.

Thinking back on it, the reason I didn't know the answers was because the questions were about Medieval England. Cool and dandy, yeah, but guess what? We weren't studying Medieval England, we were studying CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! What was that?! Good God! I didn't notice this until last night when I was getting together the arguments I was going to make when I get my F.

Of course, we had a packet on England, but that was the first week of school. And, I'm not going to study something that's not on "Pre-Test Jeopardy". If it's not on Jeopardy, then 100 times out of 100 it's not on the damn test. I must of experienced a freak of nature type thing then. I mean, Jeopardy outlines everything for the test! What the hell?

Cramps suck.

I lost both my ID badges! God, I feel so stupid and dumb! Well, those two words mean the same thing, but still! I'm so pissed at myself. The thing just fell off my necklace thing. Both my ID badges (from this year and last year) was in this clear case I got from my job, along with a used bus pass and a quarter, and the whole thing just fell off. It's the second time that's happened. God! I'm more worried about getting a detention than I am about the actually article, although I'm pretty worried about my badges too.

More recently, I'm not up to getting into yesterday, I got an email (well, a few) from Jayson today and one said he was done trying to contact me and that, basically, the ball was in my court. That letter pissed me off.

So, now it's my time to rant, which I have a feeling I'll regret reading later.

Like, dude, we talked a few days ago. Tuesday to be exact. And it's not like he doesn't know I don't like calling people, and I'm not obsessively checking my phone. I rarely answer the thing, even when my mom calls. The whole ultimatum thing just pisses me off. I hate when people do that.

I feel like Jayson doesn't realize I have a life, or something closely resembling one. I'm doing crap down here, not checking cell phones. He doesn't know if I'm dead in a ditch somewhere (God forbid) or what's going on. And yeah, that's bad, seeing he's far away, but dropping bombs like that is not cool. I'd never do that to somebody. Maybe cause I'd never attempt to call them, since I don't like calling people. Or maybe that I'd confront the person, or cause I do those "reaching out" type actions (ME sending something instead of them) so rarely that I never have to worry about people never responding. And if they don't I still wouldn't just say, "This is it. It's up to you." I've never had to, and I doubt I ever would do something like that.

Am I that bad a friend? That after a few days of not being around my phone when Jayson calls that I'm not worth it? I mean, he really doesn't have to call all like that. Once in a while is ok, not five times a day. Heck, once every other day would do the trick.

On a deeper level though, I think the reason I don't really try to be by my phone when he calls is cause he calls so often. After a while of him calling every day, it's like, "Hell, he'll call again. Let's hope I'm by my phone. And even if I'm not, he'll call again." If he called a little less, maybe I'd be more inclined to try and answer those calls.

And then, I'm a teenage girl. I may not want to talk to people all like that. I really don't like talking to people all like that, not everyday. Especially if I got a minute conscience mom to worry about. I wonder how I can break the whole changing hormones this to him. He must of learned about moody girls in school by now.

But he knows about me! He knows I don't like talking on the phone, and that school is hard, and that I'm not the most quick to respond. He knows this! And yet he wants to go crazy about it? About me?

Yeah, me not answering the phone happened in the summer, I know. I'm a sucky friend ok? I'll always be there, but I need my alone time too.

I must be a sucky friend. I guess, although in my soul I don't feel like one. Maybe I'm a sucky long distance friend. I dunno.

Yeah, I haven't been here in a while. I wanted to post everyday starting the first of Sept., but I didn't. Ah well, at least you're not dead yet Ness.

So, why am I here? After about a month? Theater tryouts. I shouldn't have to mention this, but I didn't make the cut. I'm part of the "ensemble". Yay. I say that with every ounce of sarcasm in my soul.

I mean, yeah, in some schools if you suck at my caliber then you're just thrown out. I understand that. But, seriously. I am not that bad. I'm not good, great, or amazing, but I'm not horrible. No.

Ok, for about three minutes I was pissy and near tears cause I didn't get the part I wanted. Ok. I admit that. A few very hateful thoughts ran through my mind, basically pointing put every flaw I saw in this one freshman girl who totally got a leading role. Yeah, it's Autumn (spelled correctly this time) again. She didn't even get the leading part I wanted. Damn.

Anyway, this Autumn girl is just amazing. I'm having like, nerdy death fantasies about her cause she's so cool. And by nerdy death fantasies I mean fantasies in which Autumn fails at life and gets F's on her report card. But knowing how God's giving her gifts like they're hot potatoes or something, she probably gets decent grades.

Good at art. Good at singing, acting (Mmmmm, sure. I'll give her that, since she's good at everything else I'm not.), making friends. Jeez.

So, I should be looking at all the things I'm good at, and how I'm smart, and how we're two different people made for two different lives and two different things we have our whole lives to accomplish and all that jazz. Yeah, I understand. But I also understand these hormones are making me a motivated jealous bitch. The keyword is: motivated.

Now, I'm not gonna sit here and say, "Tomorrow I'ma start drawing everyday! And I'm gonna color all my pictures! And do my chores on time! And post in Ness everyday!" cause we all know that won't happen. Changes take time. I have time. Lots of time. Since I won't be attending many play practices, of course I'll have time. Time is key.

I'm kinda glad I don't have a main role since I can do other things. I'm in lots of other clubs (teachers have been hunting me down about clubs and things) so I'll spend time doing that. Which is cool. I'm happy.

But still angry at Autumn's success.

Then again, like Cheyenne, she may have loads of skeletons in her closet, a horrible life. Yeah yeah. I know. I'm aware of that. I'm aware. That thought is in the back of my mind. Along with how short girls get waay too much credit. Yeah, waay with two A's.

I dunno, but the little girls do get a lot of attention. One short girl was like, "You know why boys like short girls? I dunno. But they do. Maybe cause we're cute or something. I dunno."

Well, that's not great evidence of my point, but seriously: What's wrong with tall girls? We're nice, most of us are skinny, we're beautiful. What's the problem? People don't make clothes for us, shoes, the world is crazy. Crazy.

Another thing, (since I'm on this wild and crazy rant of randomness) did you know that humans are animals? I swear to the Supreme Being of Everything, that the thought of Humans being Animals never once crossed my mind ever. Ever! How ignorant can a person get!? But then, I look at people after discovering this fact, and I don't think the rest of the world notices that humans are animals just like dogs, cats, mice. Animals. Yet people think they're entitled and important and have the power to kill each other. Does no one else know this?? Crazy.

I bet when I look at this later, I'll just think, "Wow. That's what I cared about when I was fifteen." or even, "Wow. That's what I cared about last year."

Wow, that's what I cared about five minutes ago.