1 Day till my birthday!!

Ness, I know you're probably angry because I haven't been giving you any good posts lately. Sorry, I've been lazy. At least I've been posting everyday, right?

There was drama at camp that pissed me off the other day. The usual little kid backstabbing/ spreading rumors crap. It was really annoying and I couldn't believe that crap used to affect me like it did. I mean, it still got on my freaking nerves, but I wasn't crying over it like I would've done a year or two ago.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm turning 15 Ness, can you believe it? Man, another year. I can sorta kinda not really remember last year's birthday, when I was so happy that I could join Myspace. Now, there's no website I'm looking forward to joining.

Since I make goals for New Year's, I think I should make birthday goals. Here's some:

1. Draw more. I've been sorta doing this recently, but not as much as I know I can. I do believe I've gotten better though! Not by a lot, but a little better. I noticed when I drew a pic and it turned out pretty amazing. To me. Now, almost a week later, I'm still trying to color it in Paint. Darn you Paint! It's really tedious.

2. Leave my house more. This would be going against my Hermit status, but...Now it's getting a little lonely. The more I go outside the more I notice I like leaving my house. It gets stuffy in here and sometimes my mom and sister are annoying, but that's not the point. Nature is fun! That's the point, that I like nature. Not a lot a lot, but enough to want to leave my house for it.

3. Get active. By that I mean join some clubs, not necessarily do more sports/movement. I like doing things...Yeah. Um, yeah, get active.

That's all I can think of right now. I also have two new baby names!

1. Zenzi
2. Zora

Both are girls names and both are stolen from campers at the camp I volunteer at. I love those names! A lot! Yeah, those are definitely baby name possibilities.

Another day, yes.
Do I type something long, no.
Sorry I'm lazy.

This is a haiku.
Because I have to post fast,
This post will be short.

Busy, watching Naruto Abridged. Sorry I'm so lazy.

I'm tired.
And lazy.
See you tomorrow Ness.

I drew a picture Ness! Woohoo!! I'm coloring it now, so I can't really type..Sorry...

Woohoo!

IMVU

Well, that's all really. I don't have much to say... I joined IMVU and so far I like it. I joined yesterday and I have two friends already! Yay!

	I'm Guest_AtomMay on

I've noticed that if I type something (like, I don't like rain) or if I say something, the thing I don't want, or say will never happen, happens. So, I shall say, "I've given up on titling my blog posts." And just for a little boost, "I've given up on actually having artistic talent soon." I bet any amount of money that since I pointed out the weird speaking thing, what I want to happen (er, what I said will never happen) won't happen. Great. Darn...

I'm obsessed with pictures of Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. I've always had a thing for young Robin, so innocent and surrounded by stuffed animals. I think that's so cool! The whole thing just seems so cool to me. I don't know why I all of a sudden like Winnie the Pooh (Maybe Winnie the RP character had something to do with it.) but...The whole show, book, whatever just seems nostalgic you know? It goes back to a simpler time. And I definately love simpler times (<--This is coming from the girl who wanted to be a hippie...)

I went on a rabid picture hunt yesterday. The only places I really went were Photobucket and Google, both proved to be fruitless. I didn't find any of what I was looking for. Is it so hard to find Christopher Robin photos!?! My God, I didn't want actual people! Lol, I was getting pissed. Why did so many people name their kids Christopher Robin? Thinking about it, I might name a kid of mine that. I have some weird baby names.

Here's the list so far (in no specific order):

1. Christopher Robin-Cheesy as all hell, but at the moment the name calls out to me. I don't know the possibility of this name actually getting used though.

2.December- I don't know where this came from! Oh, I remember. Jayson and I were talking about writing a book together (I know Ness, me, commit to something? Yeah, right.) and I wanted a male character with the name of May. This was before I knew my secret love (or obsession, the words can be used interchangeably) of fem-boys. Anyway, Jayson and I argued about it and then the month December just came out of my mouth. We were talking about a vampire race (*we're nerds*) and "Lady December" just seemed wicked cool. The coolness and Gothiness (This was also when I wanted to be Goth..Silly me!) made the name stick. Now though, I think this would be a cool middle name.

3. Wednesday- We all know why this is here. This is totally gonna be somebody's middle name; it's too cool for a first name.

4. Hazel- This was my great-grandmother's name. This name is kinda retro to me. I like retro things. This is another middle name.

Jeez! I thought I had baby first names. Oh well, I won't run out of middle names...I can't believe I'm thinking about baby names and I'm still a teenager...That's shows I have no social life...None. Zip.

But I'm completely fine with that. For now at least.

I don't know where my dad is. I haven't seen him in three days. It's as if he up and left one day. I have a feeling my mom hasn't seen him either.

My mom thinks we're (me and my dad) are plotting against her. I don't see how that's even possible, but she's dead set on it. She makes little comments when I stay home about how he's called me. He hasn't. I wish he had, cause then I would know he's alive or something. Now I'm kinda in the dark.

I don't see why he won't call me! I used to stick up for him, I used to lie for him, I used to smooth things out for him and my mom. Now I don't do anything for him because he's never here!

I can understand him going out the have fun with his buddies. He is a grown man after all. But not coming home? He can sneak in and sleep at this house for a few hours! It's not that hard. He doesn't have to spend his whole day here if he doesn't want to. He can leave, fine. Just come home every once in a while. The streets are scary, he could be dead in a ditch somewhere! How do I know he's not? I don't. That's the problem. A problem that could easily be solved if he just came home every once in a while.

I really don't feel like posting right now (I'm eating, lol)....Um, so yeah...I'm gonna go Ness. Sorry....

I'm tired...I'm just really tired. Those kids wore me out, and it's only day two! Ergh......

Hm, today I learned that drama is still not my thing. I think it never will be. Maybe I'll become more, I don't know, just become better and more entertaining as time goes on but right now my career as an actress (as if I ever wanted to be one) ain't looking too good.

Art was OK today. I got inspired to get better at it, to put it simply. Liking art is not enough these days. You can't like it and be interested in it and not be good in it. Those three things (liking art, wanting to do art, and being good at art) should go together. That's how I feel at least. It seems weird to be so into art and then suck at it. I think it seems weird to other people, since I'm the one sucking I can't say it's weird.

I used to be good too! The end of 8th grade and into the summer, there was a transformation. I looked at some of my drawings in January and then those in August and it was like, "Wow, what happened?!" And stuff. I bet if I had kept up with drawing back then I would of be awesome now! But I didn't, and I took a year off (basically, aside from the three drawings I did all school year) and now I have to start from scratch. It's not fun to start from scratch.

Note to self: Don't ever show Mom your art if you expect a compliment. I just did it, and I felt like crying. Never again.

I don't think I suck horribly now. I think I'm, um, bearable. My proportions are just horrible, but I have all summer to get better. And next school year. But more or less all summer, since I have nothing better to do. I should be drawing right now even...

A long six weeks...

That's what's it's gonna be. A long six weeks of camp.

Not saying that today was bad or anything. It was just long! It felt like time was moving slower than usual.

All the teachers were completely new. The art guy, I dunno about him. I like him though. He's the type of person with artistic talent that is A) not completely oblivious that they have artistic talent (meaning they can't help you get what they got) and B) not the kind of person to rub it in that you have no artistic talent. He's the type of guy to help you get some talent. He'll say, "That's beautiful, but here's what you need to do to make it better." or "I like the idea, but here's what you can do to make it pop." Yeah, he told me about how my little brooch thingamabob could use a pop of color and how to rub in the Micah powder. His advice really helped out, and then after I showed it to him again his smile (and obvious happiness) was just awesome. I know I shouldn't really be making anything, since I'm a counselor, but it was fun to do what the kids were doing.

Drama, er, is not my thing. At least the little drama exercises aren't my thing. To think I wanted to do drama at school! Maybe it was the teacher, I'm not sure, but I just felt totally uncomfortable. And I was with the little kid group! I just couldn't loosen up. But then again this was the first day. Maybe I'll be a little looser tomorrow.

Then at snack time one kid, Collin from last year, sat off in the corner because everybody hated him. So he says. I spent all of snack time trying to get him to interact with the other kids and not sit in the corner the whole time. He was the same way last year! God, I spent all of art time once trying to convince him to build a house from construction paper...He's so emo. And only 11 too...Poor guy.

Teller of Tales

I've learned, from reading past posts, that you should NOT post when you're angry! Don't do it! Why? Well for me, I know I can be quite bitchy. Extremely harsh and bitchy. And I don't want to be extremely (a little is OK) bitchy....When speaking about family members. I don't like reading posts from the bitchy me.

The point is: Arieana is the biggest tattletale and liar I've ever seen. And another shocking fact: My mom believes everything she says. Yes! God, it's so annoying.

Arieana will tell it all! All of it! Especially when it involves food. Like today for example.

I came downstairs (Actually I had to sneak downstairs just for the fear of waking Arieana up) and started to get some cereal, for ME, ready. Lo and behold, who's coming down the stairs five seconds later? Arieana. That's fine. After a a few teeth-grinding moments I told her to come back in ten minutes. She wasn't going to die of starvation, it was just enough time for me to eat my cereal(Selfish, but like I said, she wasn't going to die) . So Arieana leaves. I eat. All too simple. Then Arieana comes downstairs (after about 5 minutes) and I tell her to sit down so I can fix her something. All of a sudden my mom shoots into the kitchen and starts yelling and hollering over how Arieana had to wait for cereal and yadda yadda yadda. It made me so mad, I just ran up the stairs and stayed in my room for about four straight hours. That's what I usually do, I know, but, ergh, it made me mad!!

I couldn't speak to Arieana today. She made me so mad. I could barely look at her. That's not cool. Not being able to look at your own sister. I hope be grow closer.

Sorry this is so short and....Lacking my real emotional commentary..I guess...My mom just walked by...Gotta go!

Father's Day!

I wanted this to be a long post about my trip outside my house (Yes! I left my house voluntarily in summer!) with Nick and how my mom thinks me and my dad are plotting against her...But I can't. Darn it Ness! The only reason I snuck on the computer was to get my post-of-the-day in. Even though it's a useless post...I promise to elaborate later...

My dad is MIA again...I couldn't even give him his father's day card...He'll probably show up later though...

I got a comment yesterday! Oh, I'm so happy! That made me happy for a while..

Gotta go!

Dinner

The wicked awesome thing about yesterday was that my dad took me to dinner with him. His boss asked him to go to dinner (along with a few other co-workers) and he took me! It was supposed to be a whole family thing, but that just didn't work out...

We went to a Japanese restaurant! The guy who came in front of us and cooked wasn't really that interesting (to me at least, I was kinda scared cause like a whole have of his face was a huge red burn mark...) but the food was great! I wanted to try sushi, but my dad was like, "For now, pick something you'll know you'll eat." So I got some chicken. And some shrimp. It was all so good! All good! And I tried a virgin pina colada and hated it. It was horrible! It was waaay too sweet and coconuty. I hate coconut flavors.

Now it's summer! Here's the plan:

Monday-I'm working at the job I had during the school year. I wanted to, and the money won't be bad. Of course, since I have this scholarship where I give half my money to the school, I'm probably gonna be making roughly $32.50 a day (instead of the original $65).

Tuesday-Volunteer at Arts Collinwood, an arts camp for little kids (all under 12 thank god!). That should be okish I guess. I only have to do it for four hours.

Wednesday-Same thing as in Tuesday. This day I think I have to stay five hours in all.

Thursday- Same thing as Tuesday. This time I go for four hours.

Friday-I originally planned to work today, but I couldn't cause my job wouldn't let me (I dunno why...) so I plan on being lazy this day...Or, I could draw...Oh no! No no no! Now I can't be lazy...I guess I'll draw on this day...

So, that's my summer plan. I start working next next Monday (after this upcoming Monday) and volunteering next week....OK, that's it. I want some cereal! Bye!

Freshman Year: Over!

Yes, I'm done with my freshman year! I survived! Yes, I did!

The last few posts have been 7 kinds of short. I am truly sorry about that Ness. I was just feeling lazy and tired from studying...

Today was kinda stupid. The only reason I went to school today was because it was A) Mandatory (I don't know why...) and B) For the yearbook. I was pissed the whole day, just cause we didn't really do anything seriously important.

I didn't even have many people sign my yearbook. I only searched out my really close friends and then sat around. People asked me to sign theirs and I was all shocked. I didn't even know what to write! God, I can not leave comments on anything! Everybody else wrote about 'having a great summer' and 'see you next year'; I wrote about random stuff. Like, completely random stuff. I felt bad about my crap comments during the mass after the yearbook signing.

Well, I'm no longer a Freshman. I'm a Sophomore now! Yeah! And I'm almost 15! Yeah! I guess. I dunno. I'm not all that excited...Not enough for all those exclamation points. It just seems like another long year to me...

Finals Day 3

I'm done!! Done done done!! This is a short post, I'm drained...Ok bye Ness...

Finals Day 2

Obviously, this whole studying thing was never really, me. But when I need to be studying for English, hands down the BIG TEST I usually study for, what am I doing? Not studying. The later in Finals I get, the less likely I am to study. I guess since I see the first couple were so easy, I just give up on studying...I don't know why. I need to fix that.

Finals, Day 1

After today's Finals I feel really good about the whole thing. Theology was as easy as, I don't know, something easy. I've been hearing things about the other tests and they say it's easy, but then again you can never trust someone until you see their grade in the subject.

Oh yeah, I'm not studying right now Ness...I might start at three, like I've been doing for all the other tests. Tomorrow is S.S. and Physics. Ugh. Then Math (uber easy!!) and English (uber long!! I always take a long time to finish an English test). I feel good. And lazy.

This is it Ness, I might start coloring a picture...I might. I hope I get to repost later, cause I got some stuff to tell. Nothing juicy, just about my summer and how much less free time I'll have.

Final Ball's in Motion

Yes, it's Finals week! Which means my last week of school! Which means summer is so near I can taste it, and feel the laziness coming on!

All there is now is to take the dreaded Finals. No more days to worry, the ball has been dropped! It's only downhill from here. Once these Finals are over...Man!

I don't even feel that worried about Finals now. I know I'm gonna study and hopefully get the majority of the stuff. I got this man, I hope I got this. Then, SUMMERTIME!!

I think I only have like 4 free days before I have to go to Arts Collinwood. I still don't know if Arieana's doing it this yet, I hope not...Well, part of me hopes not. The other part thinks it's nice my sister would be there...But believe me when I say that that other part is small. Very small.

Tomorrow's Final is Keyboarding and Theology! I can't wait until they're over!

Quinten

Wasting time Ness, it should be my job or something...I love doing it!

I did study for three hours today Ness. I plan on studying some more later, most likely English. I don't plan on ever studying for Math, just cause it was easy this year...To me at least.

Ah...I still don't know what to write about...

Oh! This guy in my class named Quinten (I'm not sure if that's how you spell his name) said that he'd bang me if I lost some weight. That's basically what he said. See, Laurence (that's how you spell his name!) and Quinten were talking about all the hot girls in the class and who they'd have sex with. Laurence told me this information while waiting for our rides. At first he was like, "Quinten said something very interesting about you..." then he started to laugh. I got a little pissed so I told him I didn't want to hear it. I knew he'd tell me anyway, but I still said no. And guess what Ness? He told me. "Quinten said," Laurence made sure to say that, "That if you lost some weight then you'd be alright." At first I was really pissed, at Quinten, but then I thought about it and got over it. The boy was only stating the obvious. The obvious being that there is hope for me yet (and the need to lose weight). Hope for what? I dunno. I didn't think that deep into it.

I don't know what to talk about Ness. This is gonna be a short one too...

It's funny that when I have to study for a test or something (in this case FINALS), a whole bunch of other things distract me. Like, playing my video games when I haven't touched those in months. Or, drawing (even though I should be doing that...). I don't know Ness. Studying just isn't my thing.

I hate studying, I really do. But I know I'll be glad I did it later...

I studied for three hours today! Go me! That's all I can write right now...Sorry Ness..

The Slam of a Lifetime

Sorry for my past two crappy posts, Ness. I was swamped with studying, the first time, and then yesterday I just didn't feel like posting.

Oh! I won the Poetry Slam, Ness! Me! Me! See, we had a Poetry Slam in English class (to end the year and the short poetry unit). I read my Floods poem. I was really nervous the day before cause I'm always nervous when speaking to people. I practiced my poem, adding in attitude and "flavor" I guess throughout it, until I memorized it. Then the day of I sat back and waited until I got chosen. But then River got up when it was my turn so I was just like, "Go ahead man! You rock! It's all you!" so I could distract Ms.Stover (so she'd forget it was my turn). When River read his poem he moved around the room, spoke directly to people, he even combed his hair during one part. I thought, no knew, he had it in the bag. So then I got up there in the chair, in front of everybody. I smiled and took a deep breath, and stopped thinking. My mind just shut off. And I said my poem flawlessly. I didn't make any of the mistakes I kept making at home, I just spoke it. It was an amazing feeling! Just letting the words flow out of you like water. I was so happy when I finished it! People gave me a standing ovation and stuff. I was so happy! Ms.Stover said it was good too! Then the judges left the room to deliberate. When they came back Ms. Stover went to the front of the room and said that the judges had decided that there should be two winners. I got a little hopeful then, but Ms.Stover then said, "The runner up is, River!" and I gasped and clapped. But I was still nervous, since I had never won anything before. What would make that day different? Then she turned to me and said I was the winner! Everybody jumped up, including me, and clapped and I ran to the front of the room and bowed. I was glad I had a skirt on, it felt nice to curtsy! God I was happy! So happy! I can't describe the feeling. The whole day Ms. Stover congratulated me. So happy!

So happy! Oh Ness, I finally won something! Woohoo me! I rock!

I'm not sure if I'm gonna post something today either, sorry Ness...

Well, I'm posting Ness! Yes, I am posting!

I think this is gonna be a "Hey, I posted, right?" post cause, I have nothing to say. My hour of studying for finals has drained me.

Still don't know what the deal with my dad is. My mom says he might be staying, but if he don't want to stay I don't see the point of him being here. That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. If he'll be happier somewhere else, then he should go somewhere else. I don't want him to stay here and be miserable.

School is bugging me. Next week is Finals, and I'm not really worried about that. I think of it this way, if I completely bomb all my tests, I'd still have a C average, which isn't good, but it's not bad either. I just know that I'll survive. I survived the mid-terms, I can survive the Finals.

I don't know what's going on in Physics, but I know I'm starting to hate it. We learned about light in one day, when Ms. Wolfe (the teacher) sat there and said it would take two days to cover the stuff! She's really getting on my nerves. Maybe she enjoys my pain, she said so earlier in the year when we were learning about atoms. She said I reminded her of her brother in college cause all his life he did really well in school but in college he had gotten C's. But she also said that she was glad I was suffering in high school and not in college. Whatever. I just know she's grating on my nerves.

Summer is so close, I can feel it! So close!

I can't believe it's only Tuesday! Every other week zooms by, but this week takes forever and a day. I still can't believe it's Tuesday.

Well, I should be doing my homework. I don't feel like it. I have to write two poems, one for English, and then one for Theology. The English was expected (and it's hard as, well, it's just plain hard) and Theology? I slaved over my tree for 15 minutes, an awesome looking tree, and I showed it to Mr.Range and he's like, "This is great, but you need more." And I was pissed cause on the sheet he gave us for our project it said artwork (which I did), or a poem, or a play etc. etc. He didn't say we had to combine them. God, I was mad! But now I'm just worried about writing the freaking poem. (Oh, my tree, and poem, was for the Mustard Seed parable...)

Well, I'm going. I have to meet with the Arts Collinwood lady today, and my mom is already talking about me volunteering at the Food Bank. I don't mind, but I do hope there's some people my age at the Food Bank. I don't want to be alone. And I want to meet people too!

I'm always talking about meeting people, but when I get around people I get shy...I'm serious. I get tongue-tied, I don't hear people (they have to say the same thing to me two or three times before I awake from my stupor), I generally don't understand what someone means (even the simplest of questions!)...It's so weird! I just know I come off like a major freak and dork. I've also heard boring. Everyone thinks I'm boring! I just be nervous and shy, not boring. You can't show your crazy side to people you've just met.

This is gonna be quick, I hope.

I don't know what's going on with my dad. Last night, he and my mom were arguing a lot. They even came to my room. My mom was on the verge of tears and she explained (rather, harshly) how my dad had an apartment he was fixing up and how he didn't care about us. I didn't really know what to think, the only thought I could possibly form was, "Please, dear God, get them out of my room." I just didn't want to deal with it all really. I just wanted them to argue and leave me out of it.

I was a little surprised that my dad had an apartment. It takes commitment and time to get those things. It pissed me off a little, but hey, I don't know. I think I'm still processing the information. I cried yesterday for a full two minutes. Then I finished my book. And went to bed.

Well, I gotta go. I'm over Cathy's house, and it's time to go now. At least I post(ed) right, Ness? OK, bye!

M.I.A

This is the second time its happened! The second time! The second time my dad hasn't come home from God-Knows-Where. The second time he's just totally forgotten about us. The second time he's been missing in action.

I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. My dad, I just, whenever I mention him (rarely to anyone), or think about him, I can't describe my emotions. I think it's a mix of confusion, and dislike, and want. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want to say hate, but dislike is the only thing I could come up with along those lines.

Will I feel better if I break my feelings down? Let me try. Hopefully by the time I'm done, he'll be home.

The confusion. That comes from not knowing him anymore. Before (before what? I don't know.) we used to be so close. Whenever my mom would yell at me, I'd go to him and he'd make me laugh. I'd just get him. I'd get his jokes, I'd get where he was coming from. He just confuses me now. His actions scream out that he hates it here (obviously, if he's never home) but yet he stays. If I didn't like it somewhere, I'd try to make it work or just leave. I guess he tried to make it work. Now...

The dislike. This sprang up when I called home the other day and asked to talk to Arieana and he mumbled, "You're turning out just like your mother." To say that crushed my soul would be an understatement. I felt like crying, right in front of my mom and Nanny. How dare he! I know he hates my mom, he's said it more than once, and for him to say that I'm turning out just like her?! What? If only he knew how much that hurt me, then he'd regret it and try to make it up to me a thousandfold. At least I hope he would. But, ever since that day, I can't even look at him. Just the plain association, "Ariel is like her mother, the woman I hate." It just hurts.

Then the want. I want to understand him. I want to feel loved by him. I want him to be here and everything to be OK. I want, no, wish I didn't know his plots (or actions) of cheating.

Oh yes, Ness, I know he's planning on cheating, if he hasn't already. I just know. Where else could he be all day? "The Garage" excuse worked last year, when he was actually there at the garage. Last year he never talked on his cell phone, and only three people called him. Now, there is no "Garage", there's no excuse at all. He just leaves. And he's always on his cell phone. All the time. Once it rang in the morning and some girl's name showed up. Then she sent a text, I think. The point is, I know he's not faithful. And a part of me can't blame him. But seriously, why do it? I don't understand.

Back to the wanting. I want a lot from him and I don't know that he can A) give it or B) has given everything I want, and since I'm turning into my mother, apparently, I haven't noticed. God, I wish he hadn't told me that! I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to live in a house with a man who doesn't love me, appreciate me, and shows he cares by actually being in the freaking house! I don't want to live like that; I sure as hell won't live like that. I've been single before and I can be it again. I'll remember that.

And then there's Arieana, the Obvious Favorite. Whenever my dad sees I'm jealous of the attention he gives her he says, "I used to do that same stuff with you." OK, that's great. But that was a long time ago, and you only had to worry about one child. Now you've got two, and not giving the old one enough attention. But it's not his fault, not entirely. He does try to talk to me. But I just don't feel like talking, and what exactly would we talk about? I just run to my room whenever he comes home anyway.

I see my mom too, and see how this whole M.I.A thing is affecting her. To me, she looks sorta confused. What is she supposed to feel? Anger because he's not home, despair cause it's obvious he doesn't like her, or fear because of the aftermath if he left? I don't know what to tell her. I try to disappear when she gets this way, confused and scared. Maybe not scared, cause it's hard to say my mom is scared, but I know I would be if I was in her shoes.

I don't want to think of my dad leaving. I used to pride myself on telling friends that my dad was still in my household, not in some jail cell, not in the streets, not with another woman, he was home and I saw him everyday. I'd feel bad for the kids, well most of my classmates, who didn't have dads. But now it's like, at least some of them never met their dad. Since he's not there, there's nothing to miss. I know that if my dad leaves, it'll be the worst thing in my life. I've heard the stories, the studies. Girls without dads look for father figures in all the wrong guys. I'm not gonna go through that. Arieana might. I know no "bad father figure" would be interested in me. Arieana is remotely attractive (eh, to others). I worry about that.

He's still not here. And it's 3:30 PM. I need to work on Theology, since it's due...It's actually due Wednesday, but me and Dawn got a plan that says I need to get my artwork done before tomorrow.

I'll see you later Ness. By the time I post again, my dad should be home. I hope.

I was thinking Ness, that maybe for one month I post everyday! Wouldn't that be a cool idea? Yep, I know it would. I don't want to make that month June though, cause I know it's gonna be really hard for me to post tomorrow. I haven't even attempted to do my Theology homework.

I've been thinking of pimping Mikki a little. No, not sexually! Just starting a whole bunch of posts until someone replies to one. So far I've made two and no replies. Of course, I know you have to wait for such things, just cause you go to your friends before someone new. At least, that's the case with me. But I'm still considering pimping my baby, especially since I spent so much time on him! So much, so much! I even found a picture; Somebody has to see him in action.

Another thing, short emos rule the world. I'm dead serious! Whenever there's a short emo involved in anything (I'm still talking about Rping, not the "real world") everyone jumps on it like a sickness. People must like angst. I don't. I got enough angst in real life, I sure as hell don't wanna rp with it too. That always made me mad. What's wrong with happy people? People who like to wake up everyday and see the sun, people who like to live? I usually just end up screaming at the computer screen, for the emos to get over it. There's also an abundance of people on there (Mori High) who's parents are abusive/ had no parents/were raped. Both my characters had pretty good lives if you ask me. They're happy too. There lies the problem I see.

Mikki, in fact, was supposed to be all emo and depressed. But when I finished him I was like, "Who the hell am I kidding? I can't act emo! I can't act depressed for more than a few seconds!" Now, a true writer would still keep Mikki emo just cause it's out of their comfort zone. Well, that sucks. Cause I know that I just couldn't do it. I don't wanna have a depressed character. I just, everybody's depressed these days! I think a happy person is truly unique, and I knew (and know) I wanted a unique character.

This reminds me of when Jayson told me that Winnie sickened him, cause I talked about Winnie so much, and how I was living my life through Winnie. The latter I knew, I knew that before I even started role-playing! It was just common knowledge to me. But the former? Uh, I was pissed when I first heard him say that.

People just don't get it! I love my characters like they're human beings. If I could, I'd spend hours and hours role-playing both (Keyword: Both, not just Winnie. Mikki needs to meet someone!) my babies. They're just like appendages to me. Or of me...Anyway, I just love them. Love love love them. I know I'd be a totally different person if I didn't create those beings.

But do I love my characters too much? Hmm...Hell no! No way! If there's people out there who worship rocks, and love rocks, I think I can love my babies like they're human beings. It's not like I'm murdering people or anything, I just love fictional characters.

Me not loving fictional characters means I have a major mental problem. I've always been this way. Falling in deep, passionate love with people in books, manga, anime, and just imaginary folks I create. It's my nature. I don't know why it's my nature to be completely insane, but that's me...And when I'm talking love, I mean, I dream about these people. I may not remember their names (for some reason I have a horrible time remembering names; it gets so bad people think I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I do!) but I remember them. And then when someone dies! I cry! I weep! I moan and put down whatever I was watching/reading.

Mom's home! I gotta go...Darn my post got cut short....Ah well.

The Wheel

History does repeat itself Ness! Oh God, does it ever!

Next week in English class we're doing poetry. POETRY! Man, as soon as I heard that I just went nuts. An inner nuts, not really saying anything...I mean, why poetry? Poetry has scarred me! Lol, but now that I've done the first poetry assignment, I find it easier to write (and read) my stuff.

It's June 1st! To me, that's the official start of summer. I don't know, but June has always been a happy month for me. Maybe it's getting out of school. Probably that. But then there's the whole "new beginnings" aspect. Just think Ness, three (er, well, two) months not seeing all the familiar faces you spent nine months with. Think of how much we all can change in two months! It's fun changing, growing into a new and better person. I just can't wait to see the change I make this summer.

Most summers I don't really make a physical change. No, all summers I never make much of a physical change. This summer probably won't be different, it all depends on my workload/time I spend out of the house. But every summer, I make a mental change. The things I like shift, people I enjoy change, how I view the world molds itself into a different perspective. Some summers it's small, but for the past few years my mental changes have been huge. So huge that I can't really name them, they just are.

I already mentioned the dilemma I have with what I'm doing this summer. It's starting to bother me now...All the questions I have. Do I want money or do I want to work with kids? Have fun, do artwork for three hours, or slave for four hours? I think Arts Collinwood sounds better than the job opportunity, but I do like money. Ah well, I just hope Arts Collinwood calls me. I don't really want to pick up the phone and call them...I get nervous.

I noticed that I got really nervous today when Lawrence (I think that's how you spell his name; my crush) walked by me. I get nervous just thinking about him, like right now...Lately he's been annoying the hell out of me, and I'm talking on a serious level. Always poking, always touching, always saying little things he knows will piss me off. But I think it's cute. I don't know why, but it's cute. And I think he's cute. And he's taller than me (like half an inch or so). I can't explain it. I think he likes me. And that's a scary yet wondrous thought. Someone liking me?! Huh? But I think, no know, he likes me. And I like him. A lot. Right now it even feels as if we're dating, give or take the fact that he brings up other girls he wants to date all the time.

I'm getting mixed messages from him. Like, one day he talked about how he was gonna totally hook up some girl that night (he didn't), but the next day when I was talking about Nick, he was all up in it! "Who is that?" "How long have you known him?" "Where'd you meet him?" So many questions! I just flat out told him we (me and Nick) weren't dating. After that he left the issue alone. He seemed happy.

Then another time we were talking about first loves (all the juicy stuff happens in English by the way, that's first period). He went into how his was hot and smart. I forgot the name of mine for a second and all of a sudden he was like, "Don't tell me, his name begins with an L." And he just started smiling and laughing. For a second I was serious and shaking my head. After that second I blushed and just continued to say no. It took me a moment to realize he had asked...I can't even say it.

What if Lawrence doesn't like me? What if he knows that I like him, and he's just playing around with me? Why would he care so much?

But I won't have to worry about that next year. Cause he won't be here next year. He's transferring to another school. That makes me angry and depressed. A guy finally (maybe, maybe not) likes me, is interested in me, but up and leaves before anything can blossom. Man! I know there will be other guys (Lawrence has given me hope!), but why did this one have to leave? When will the next guy show up?

Unlike my gay male friends, I'm pretty patient. I've been patient for 14 years so far, I think I can wait a little longer. I don't know how much longer though. I see why girls get so boy-crazy. This is insane! The waiting, the watching, the hoping, then the inevitable dread cause he has to go. To think some people actually enjoy this...