Is it only a number?

You know the saying Ness, "Age is only but a number." But is it really?

This question has always been in the back of my mind, always making an appearance on my birthday. But today in the car, while talking on her cell phone, my mom mentioned how she's learning for my bad cousins how to treat me when I get 16. She's learning how to deal with the mood swings ("Don't I already have those?", I said.), the ups and downs.

The fact that I'm pretty young now depresses me. Why, when so many people today are fighting to find the fountain of youth? Well, I feel old. Really old. Older than I think I should feel.

What should I feel? What do normal fourteen-year-olds feel? How do I know I'm not normal? I mean, I see a difference from me and another average Jane fourteen-year-old girl. Some of them are really dumb and superficial (yet oddly important to me) like, she has a boyfriend, I don't. She gets invited to parties, I don't. She loves talking on the phone, I don't, unless I'm really hyper and going through a lack of a social fix.

Then others are, inside type things. She has a lot of friends (I think you attract friends cause of your insides, but that's another post), I don't (I'm sorta OK with that). She's flirtatious, I'm not. Kinda lame, inside type stuff, but my Internet just crashed and I couldn't think of anymore...

And yes, I know there are a whole boatload of other teenage girls my age that feel the same way as me, but where are they? Where do I find them? I know I'm not searching in the right places...I know I'm not alone. People are never alone. Emotions are universal. So, where are the others?

I dunno. The main point is that I feel old. It amazes me that I still have a lifetime to live. I'm only on the tip of the iceberg.

Copy

Today in S.S. Mariah asked to copy my Physics homework. The funny thing is, I let her.

Mariah is a total copier! Total! She should work in the office mail room, she copies so much! I've always slid by her cause normally she'd copy off of Dawn. But today she caught me. To say the least, I was totally pissed.

What could I have done? Flat out been the secret bitch I am and told her to open a damn book for once? Yeah, I could of. But then I would be reliving my whole elementary school career and I don't want to do that.

I just stared at her the whole time. We had just taken a test in Social Studies, had a whole bunch of free time, and I even had a book. But I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. I was just so worried. Thousands of thoughts ran through my mind. Like, what if Ms. Wolfe (the Physics teacher) notices? Or, will she copy word for word? Why couldn't she copy off of someone else? Why me? Why didn't I tell her the truth, that opening a book/ finding someone else to copy off of would be better?

I felt so used. That's the way I always feel when people copy off of me. Used. Like, I'm not worth speaking to (cause all the people that copy off of me usually don't talk to me), I'm only worth copying off of. It's just like a big slap in the face. At least when I need a little nudge (I never copy; I'm too afraid) I ask one of my friends, not some random smart person.

That brings me back to that girl who copied, scratch that, completely stole my English paper. I was just so heart broken when I had found out. I almost cried. I worked really hard on that paper, and to have this girl, whose homework I helped he do, copy off of me. It was really disrespectful. That girl even speaks to me still. Out of the corner of my eye though, I see her staring at me with fear on her face. As if in some random lunch conversation I'd bring up how much she pissed me off. I should, but it's all old news now.

Weird

You know what weird thing happened today Ness? Of course, I'm gonna tell you.

Well, I was writing a profile for a new RP character I'm making. His name is Mikki (almost done, the history is bothering me a little; don't know how to write it) and he's a water nymph. In describing him I said he had see green hair with blue highlights. He's black (I don't think I'll ever make a white RP character, I think there's enough in the world...But never say never).

So like a few minutes ago I was sitting at the computer like, "Where am I gonna find a picture for him?" I feel kind weird that Winnie (my other character) doesn't have a picture, but nobody has like chopped my head off about it. But still, I feel weird. I vowed that for Mikki I'd find a pic. I had too. He needed one. I'm tired of people of color not having any anime-style pictures. I had to give the people something to look at, so they wouldn't guess as to what Mikki looked like.

I decided to look in my stash of pics on my jump drive. I skim, and skim, and skim (only looking at the skin color) then BAM! This one picture jumps out at me like a ton of bricks in the face. It was Mikki! My God, it was freakin weird, just looking at the screen and seeing him! I have to change a few details about the Mikki I wrote about (like hair length, skin tone) but that's it! That's it! It was weird to say the least Ness. Here's the picture:

AMAZING! That totally made my day! But I was happy before. I was just really happy today, for no reason. I think it's school, cause I really like school now. I don't know what I'm gonna do in the summer...

Hopefully I'll get a job or find somewhere to volunteer. Hopefully Arts Collinwood will hire me again. After last year I don't know.. I won't mind working with the little kids. The older I get the more fun it is to me. I'm sorta hoping I don't get that job I applied for and I get to volunteer. Arts Collinwood is only half a day, and it's fun to do art projects. It gives me a reason to draw more often (one of my long-long-time goals.)

Well, I'm heading out! Love ya Ness! Mikki has made me so happy (I don't even know if I'm gonna RP him yet, but I got a picture just in case!)

I've given up on checking my blog for comments...I just know they were never meant to be on here anyway...

Hmm...I'm really confused Ness. I don't know what I want to be. By "be" I mean, what label do I fit in? Like, am I a nerd, or a geek, or what? I don't wanna be lame, I'm tired of being completely in the gray area. I need to fit in somewhere..Ok, it's not really a 'need' but it'd be nice to fit in somewhere!

I know you just don't wake up and 'fit in', you gotta do something...But I don't know what to do! I'm just so confused..Other teenagers make it seem so easy, this 'making friends on the net' business, but in reality, well for me, it's not. Maybe I need to find out more about me, the Ariel, and then branch off into the communities that'd help me meet folks. Just randomly going on Myspace on a whim ain't working. Especially since Myspace isn't what I'd expect it to be.

Hmm...I need to figure out me Ness. It's hard. One second I like 'this' and the next I like 'that'. One second I fear total rejection by the community that likes 'that' and the next I don't care. How do I even know if I have 'that' right?

I don't even see why I'm worrying about this...It'll work itself out soon enough...I got a whole lot of teenage years left to emo and worry about it...

Hmm....I had all the time in the world to post yesterday Ness and I didn't. Ah well.

Posting has become so hard now! It seems like there's nothing going on when there there is! I just don't know how to put it onto paper...Or in this case a little tan box. I dunno! Just random stuff comes to my mind these days and I just can't hold onto the thoughts long enough to put them anywhere..And these thoughts be, like, amazing life altering type stuff, but I always for get them!

I wonder if it's just the hormones...I hope this forgetfulness faze is almost done.

And to think, I'm just hit the tip of the teenage iceberg! The tip! I won't be done with the angst for another...5 years. 5 Years!

*Sigh*

I'll cut to the chase. This is gonna be a real quick, real fast post. Cilla is pregnant. Pregnant! Oh GAWD! She's what, 17!? My goodness.

Saturday was going all good and stuff. Me and my little sister had a dentist appointment in the morning and that was, alright. Surprisingly, I have two cavities and Arieana surprisingly has none, but I won't talk about that. Then after that I searched through the mall and looked at some really cool stuff. I'm secretly trying to find a way to express myself through clothing, and that little walk around sorta helped. Then I had to call Robbyn cause she was pissed that her dad wasn't spending any time with her. He was spending time with his girlfriend. Then that kinda blew up and stuff but my mom, always the peacemaker, calmed everyone down.

On the way home my mom calls Michelle (Robbyn's dad's girlfriend) and they started talking about Robbyn and such. Then all of a sudden my mom asks Michelle if Cilla has a disease (it's been know Cilla has reckless sex, we all knew for a while) and then (through code) my mom finds out Cilla is pregnant. By the time she finds out we're literally outside our house door. So we drive to Robbyn's house and Cilla, my mom, and Michelle yell at each other and yadda yadda. I was in the back room with Arieana so I couldn't here much....Then we leave and head over to my Nanny's house. We pick up Saniyah, bring her home so she can go wild (which is what she did) and then my mom took her home.

Cilla is keeping the baby. My mom wanted an abortion, which is something I'm on the fence about. But she's keeping the baby. I just wish she never had a baby to deal with in the first place. Her future wasn't bright anyway, but with a baby it sure as hell got darker quick.

Freshman Retreat

Well, this happened last Wednesday and I really don't feel like talking about it a week or so later. But, I know this is what memories are made of and since my memory is sorta lame, I'll write it down. Briefly.

As soon as we got there I was a little bummed since we all (meaning me, Dawn, and Larry) got different colored folders, meaning different groups. But after I found out I was with Ms. Stover, all my grief eased.

Then there was a short little prayer ceremony and the theme this year was "Fingerprints of God". Then they played some song by the same name. The song was, well, I liked the lyrics. It said something about being a beautiful masterpiece and nature was silently applauding you. The lyrics were wicked cool. As cool as any Christian song can be.

I don't have anything against gospel music or anything, but most of the stuff I've heard (from The Fish radio station) involving God was kinda crappy. Aside from saying they loved God and Jesus, there wasn't any meat. It didn't move me much at all. Yeah, pretty melody and sounds, nice tune and lyrics that get crammed in your head, enough to the point that a die-hard atheist would be singing and proclaiming love for God. But the point is, they all sound cheap and cheery and well, not my cup of tea. Or hot chocolate, since I'm not really a tea fan.

Where was I? Oh yeah! After that prayer service thing there was a nature hike. I guess I should mention the retreat took place on this campground called Camp Cheerful. It's a camp for kids with special needs (I don't like the way 'special needs' sounds...) to come have a camping experience. Anyway, the hike was kind of bitter sweet. I mean, the good side was I figured out that I really enjoyed nature and movement and being outside and being around other human beings (sorta, I'm still on the fence about the other human beings part) but the bad part was that I noticed how out of shape I was and how out of it I just generally was with other people. That hike was just yet another "Dude, I need to leave my house more." moment. But the great thing is, the sweet parts of the hike definitely outweighed the bitter parts. At least, in my mind they did.

After the hike...I forgot what we did....Well, I guess after that we went inside to listen to this lady, Mrs. Beers, speak. She was a great speaker. She spoke about the heart and normally her husband (who's completely paralyzed) would of come with her but he died in December, I think. But, she was just an all around awesome speaker. She made me think about the world around me and God in a new light. Slowly that whole day changed my relationship with God, but Ms. Beers was incredible. In short, her life sucked, but she was so cheery and happy and thankful! It was amazing, like a breath of cool, fresh air, to have her speak about all the bad things with a smile on her face. How she survived all the crap itself is amazing. I just can't explain it, I was near tears after her words.

Then lunch came, and that was uneventful as usual. I came out and said I wanted to be and English and History teacher, something I'd been hinting at since I was what, born? A little part of me knew I would want to be a teacher, but it wasn't solid. I would always think of how my classmates would treat my teacher and I knew I'd never survive the treatment. But now, I think I would be able to survive (surviving meaning crying in the privacy of a locked classroom door, alone) and move on. The only thing that worries me about becoming a teacher is my laziness. I'm pretty damn lazy.

Ness, here I am rambling, my greatest trait! After lunch we played outside (like recess, which was nice) and then we played this game in our groups where you throw a beach ball to someone and then whoever had the tennis ball would give compliments to the beach ball holder. I actually worked on my compliments since I always hated whenever my class would do activities like that one and I'd get generic, copied-from-someone-else comments. When my turn came around everyone threw in nice and smart but I was surprised about the other things people were saying. Ms. Stover then told me about my humor and how it was dry, sarcastic, and mean. I laughed at that! She knows me too well. That exercise made me feel good.

Then we went to silently reflect on our day or something like that. Suddenly this kid in my classes, Mutuus, fainted and we went inside for more reflecting. This time we made little magnets about all the good things about us. Mine is really cute if I do say so myself! Then after that we went outside and showed our magnets to our group. After that there was a final prayer service type thing were we listened to the "Fingerprints of God" song again and put all our magnets on the board (this was the second group of freshman, not the whole class, so they fit). After that it was playtime! Then we left the place (late, two cabs left without all the students that were supposed to have, ten minutes was spent cramming kids in the other cabs) and went home.

Yep, there's the Freshman Retreat for ya. Not very brief I see...

I hope to write soon Ness, I really do enjoy our time together. (Ha! It's like I'm talking to a human being! But Ness, you are like a human being to me! A nice, calm, caring human being that isn't afraid to associate himself (yes, you're a dude) with a crazy girl like me. Go you Ness, go you!)

Signs

Ness, there's been a lot of important things that've been going on and I'm sorry that I haven't really updated you on them. I guess I'll take the time I have now to do so. Sorry Ness.

Today Arieana showed signs of actually caring about what others think. It happened a few minutes ago actually.

My (er, our) mom showed up out of nowhere and said Arieana needed a joke for school tomorrow. Well, I had two good jokes (both given to me by my English teacher Ms.Stover) and they were 1) Why was the cat afraid of the tree? Because of the bark. 2) Where does the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies. Now considering this is a group of six year olds we're talking about, the jokes didn't have to be funny. But no, those weren't good enough for Arieana (and my mom, since I had to explain the king one to her) so I went on the computer downstairs to find her one.

Now, Yahoo jokes sucked. I don't know who submitted the crap, but they were horribly unfunny. Arieana thought so too. But then we came across this gem; it was a joke that even made me laugh! It was, What do cops use to arrest pigs? Ham-cuffs! Get it, ham (since pigs are pork, well, ham) and cuffs....It was so funny! At first Arieana was all for it, but then after she showed my mom she didn't like it so much. That made me mad! I was sitting there like, Find your own damn joke then (I was really into that joke; no, I did not say that to my little sister!). In reply to my huffing Arieana said, "I don't think it's funny. What if they say," And she titled her body to the side and swung her head back, " 'That's not funny.' I wanna say a joke that's funny to me and that wasn't funny."

A few minutes ago I wasn't really thinking about her answer, but now I'm horrified! My God, she's, eventually, gonna spend most of her time thinking about whether her normal actions are funny and acceptable to her peers, let alone a simple joke! I wish she didn't care what people think of her and her jokes. I wish it was all fun and games to her and a simple just a joke she had to give to the class. If only she knew the pain of thinking about other minds! Hehe, if I told her how I'm emoing (look Ness, a new word!) over her discovery of other people's thoughts she'd think I was more crazy than I normally come off...Ah well. It was gonna happen eventually. The caring of other people's thoughts. A small part of me wishes I was there more often when she didn't care so much.

Lesbian!?

Well, tomorrow there's no school cause I go on my freshman retreat Wednesday! But more importantly, I need to explain my title.

Well, me, Lawrence ( I think that's how you spell his name...), Dawn were in math class. Larry (there's no way to not spell that right!) was being annoying as usual and coping off of me. I don't mind him copying. Well, I mind, but not enough to stop him. Plus, I like him, a lot, so, at the moment it doesn't really matter what he does....

Anyway, so out of the blue (After Dawn turned her head to look at someone else) Larry asked, "So, Ariel (that's me), do you," Then he covers his mouth and whispers, "Like girls?" And I was like, in a whispered tone, "No. I don't. I'm glad you think that..." Then he looked shocked (Yes, shocked! I don't understand it myself) and said surprised, "Well, that changes everything!" And then he added quietly, "But if you are it's alright, you can tell me." OK....

Need I say more? I mean, a lesbian? What!? There's nothing wrong with lesbians or anything, but I just never thought I came off that way...That's embarrassing! To have your crush, think you're gay..I sigh when I think about it now..My chanced with him are ruined...

Wow! I thought we flirted before, and now I know he thought I was gay, so it was probably like plain 'playing with one of the guys.'

I guess it wasn't meant to be...Ah well, who cares. At least I posted, right Ness?

Blame the Space

Blame the Space Ness for taking me away from you! If I didn't post so much in my myspace blog..I'd be..here! I need to name that myspace blog too, since I always name my blogs/journals.

Anyway, I decided to pimp my Myspace page out, since, my friend from school, Katherine, has taken it upon herself to post about 6 bulletins about me! It was embarrassing...But if I put my myspace here, it's not like pimping it out since nobody reads this thing..Oh well! I'm gonna put it in the margin so if a lost soul does wander to my blog, they can wander to my myspace also. That myspace thing is addicting...Like the Sims 2! Which I plan on playing today!

http://www.myspace.com/184515126

Yeah, I didn't get a specific URL since I don't know how long I'm gonna be on there...and I probably would wanna change the thing anyway...So I'm sticking with numbers...

I had to lie on there so my profile wouldn't be private...It sucks having to lie!
Bye ness! (This post was short!)

Long

It's kind of ironic how I put "Long" as my post title when I know my post won't be. I'm trying to make it short.

Everything with Jayson has settled down. He went back to Sunberry...I don't know if I mentioned that earlier...Anyway, I might post the email I sent to my friend Nick to explain everything that happened...Again, I seriously can't remember if I talked about that...

Anyway, I made a Myspace! I'm gonna put the page URL thingy on here whenever it starts to work. Myspace is acting up, after I join too! Anyway, it's not like anyone reads my blog so I don't have to worry about too many people finding my page.

Today is just gonna be one of those "Talk about anything not related to school" day since school is seriously getting on my nerves. We have three tests Thursday, and that's cool and all, but we have a HUGE one in Social Studies! Are you kidding? Ness, the S.S. teacher doesn't even teach us anything, and I'm serious. The whole unit we're getting tested on what we "learned" from answering packet questions cause he wasn't here to teach it to us. Then when he came back we watched a movie on New Orleans. I'm mad. I talked about him in class today; I know he heard me. I had this feeling, like, oops, he heard me. It's no secret my S.S. teacher (and advisor) listens in on me and my friends conversations, but I didn't think he'd do it during class..Apparently he did though...I'm a little bummed that he heard me and ignored my question...Ah well...I've accepted the fact that I'll probably fail that test...Man, and I know it's gonna be total hell on earth to have to make the darn thing up! Grr..

I'm really mellow now. In school I'm mellow, but at home on the computer I'm kinda...What's a good word? Weird? No, too harsh. Quirky? Quirky is a cool word, I'm not sure if I'm worthy of it! Hmm...I'll stick with weird, 'quirky' is...Well, I'm weird. If you haven't noticed from me naming my blog (Ness!) to me being a hermit, then there's a problem with your eyesight. I'm totally weird, and totally OK with it.

I read some of a blog I had in 7th grade! Oh god! I was soo...Ugh, I can't believe I thought that way..I mean, I'm pretty much the same girl then and now but now I'm a lot more mature and accepting. Back then I was pretty emo and I complained a lot. Now, I don't complain so much (at least I think so). I know later on in life when I read this post I'll feel the same way I do about the 7th grade me. In the future I'll be saying the same stuff, about how weird I was (and am). That's cool. It's interesting to see how time affects a person and their writing. With all these blogs I have I know I'll be seeing such a change. My writing style has definitely changed, cause back then, woo! But it was funny to see a little me stuck in time. It's nice to know there'll be a part of me in 7th grade on the net forever. Another weird thing about that blog was I don't really remember it. I don't remember writing in it. And then the events I don't really remember. Reading the blog was like reading the life of another person. I can't believe that was me! I'm still stuck on that! Man, weird.

The reason I stopped writing in that blog was cause a person kept flaming me. It took like two posts for me to notice (I didn't get that far but I remember it happening) and I just stopped. I cried too, since the flamer didn't even know me! Now I don't have to worry about flamers, since no one reads you Ness. I guess I lose them at the word 'teenage'. I think so. Even with me I avoid things with that word in it. Teenagers are kinda emo, and I realize I went through my pissy emo stage in 7th grade. Unless all 7th graders are emo. I have no idea.

A thought struck me. Will I become more emotional as I grow older? I hear so many horror stories and lifetime movies about sixteen year old crazies and stuff. I wouldn't mind letting loose, but I know my limit. I don't wanna be those wild 16 year old drinkers and smokers and sex...People who have sex...I just wanna be a weird virgin. With a boyfriend!

God I want a boyfriend! It's not the fact I'd have a male companion, I'd just have another companion. I just want friends, more friends. That's probably why I joined Myspace again...

Well, I gotta finish my homework. Didn't mean to make my post so long, but talking to you is so fun Ness! Who cares if no one reads this? All I know is that I can look back at this in the future and see a little piece of the 14 year old me stuck in time forever.