Speeches

Yes, well, it was that time again. The time for a Speech, oh so wonderfully delivered by my mom. The point of this Speech was to let me (Ariel) know that I suck as a child, that I need to grow up, and that, well, when everybody dies I should feel really guilty about it.

Ok, ok, that was the hormones talking, but hey, I am going through "puberty."

I have an excuse for not doing anything artistic yesterday. My mom had to go to work at 1 pm and she wouldn't get off until nine, so she decided to send me and my sister over Cathy's house (Cathy is basically like an aunt to me and my sister). Anyway, I wasn't the least bit happy, so I pussyfooted around. I didn't physically move until 11 (but I woke up at nine) and then moved like a turtle. This, to say the least, pissed my mom completely off. At that point, I didn't care.

Anyway, at Cathy's house I spent about a good three hours on the computer, doing nothing. Seriously. I wrote some emails, checked my mail, but I didn't really do anything that needed to be done. So, then after that, Cathy took us to see Flushed Away, which isn't a bad movie. After that we went to Ruby Tuesday's and then I got to go into Barnes & Noble. Yeah! Cathy even gave me twenty bucks to spend, but I didn't. I just didn't feel like spending money. I never do anymore...

We left the mall and then went home. Arieana (my little sister) wanted to get on the computer and I let her. I stayed in my mom's room, falling into my little imaginary world, talking to myself and other people, just having an all over good time. All was well.

But then, my mom came home. It wasn't like black clouds filled the sky or anything (it was already dark out) but I could just tell she was pissed. She was pissed the whole day, all over me moving like a turtle.

So, she walks in and I greet (which is rare, since I don't really speak to anyone anymore) and she says hi. I think all is ok, you know, she's home from work, she wants me out of her room, but no. No. No. No. It's time for a Speech.

A Speech is when my mom feels the need to "gently" make me feel like crap. She just dumps all her emotions on me, mostly about how she hates that I'm lazy, I need to actually give a damn....Yadda yadda yadda. It's more of an indoctrination. After every Speech, Ariel (me) feels like crap and wants to die. Yeah.

So, this Speech, was not different. We (well, she) covered the main bases. I'm lazy, I'm not responsible, I'm mean, I'm rude, I'm anti-social. This was nothing new. So not new that when I saw the chance for me to leave, I took it. God, halfway to freedom and she stops me (with words) and just proves her point. So, the rest of the Speech, I'm standing.

After she tells me all my sucky points, she adds some new material. Like, how I don't speak to her anymore. That was a shocker. I'm dead serious. I noticed that we haven't been to chatty with each other lately, but I wasn't really complaining about it. I didn't really want to talk to my mother. Well, don't really. I just don't, I don't know why. Maybe it's because every time I try to talk, I get attitude or yelled at, or it just doesn't seem like she's interested in what I have to say. I don't know. But my mom got mad and said I was rude and there must be something wrong with me because I don't talk.

The other shocker was that I'm rude. I mean, I know I'm rude to her, to my mother, but I didn't know I was rude in general. That hurt, I mean, I pride myself on being nice to people, or at least trying to. But now I'm rude. Great.

What else? Ah, I really don't remember.

Yes, I do. My mother also thinks I have been raped or something. I found that funny, no, not the concern she has for her daughter, but the fact that I, me, could have been raped. Eh, let me shut up.

But anyway, that bothered me. A lot of things my mom said to me yesterday bothered me. My mom told me some things that I really didn't need to hear. Like, how she really didn't want to have my sister. She didn't want any kids. But now that my mom has my sister, she spoils her so that God doesn't take her away. Yeah, that's some deep stuff, but I'm gonna be a rude and irresponsible bitch and say that I really didn't ask. What did that have to do with me? I'm glad she wanted (wanted being the key word; the PAST TENSE key word) but I really didn't need to know that.

Also, my mom said some stuff about her childhood, as usual, and about how she was.....I guess abused by a family member. She wasn't very clear about it. That's why shes so hard and mean, because she doesn't want me to experience what she went through. That was the whole point of the Speech.

I feel bad now. Not only did she have to go deep into her past to try to get me to realize my ways (which apparently suck and are completely wrong, no wonder I'm such a rude waste of life) but....I really didn't care. At all. I mean, that's the really scary part. I just didn't (/don't) care. I can't wrap my mind around it. Usually after a Speech I cry and I think about my ways, how I should try to change, but after this Speech, well, there was nothing. I went back to my fantasy world. I didn't cry, I didn't even think about it. It was like it never happened.

I hope it's the hormones that make me immune to any and every emotion that comes my way. I hope and pray that it's over soon, well, sooner than normal. God, I'm just pissed. My mom makes it seem like EVERYTHING is my fault. Like, if someone dies, it's my fault cause I didn't talk to them, or it's my fault. My mom mentioned people dying like five times. All involved either her or my grandmother. Yeah, Ariel the mass murderer, the rude bitch, the irresponsible bitch, the bitch with no friends. The bitch that my mom dislikes. She doesn't hate me, but she sure as hell doesn't like me. Nope. Nope. Nope. Neither does my dad, who LOVES Arieana. Boy, he oozes love when she's around. Just like my mom.

They blame their favoritism on "different personalities". Well, my mom does but my dad silently says the same thing. Because of our "different personalities", Ariel is extremely disliked and Arieana is Jesus reincarnated. Yeah, whatever. I get it.

I shouldn't complain, my life rocks, yadda yadda yadda. I'm still pissed. There's a lot that I need to write out, you know? Just release, but I can't. I'd be a selfish bitch if I did. I can't tell anyone of my emotions. Well, I can, but I won't. I have nothing to complain about.....I do. I do.

I'm leaving. I'm gonna go do something else. I'm really depressed and pissed now....I hate hormones...

I didn't add a title today...

Erm, well, I really wanted to write a journal entry today because yesterday I wrote in my journal and ended up reading some past ones! Ha, they were funny. I just found them amusing, so I decided to write some more! SO I can read them later.

Well, this one won't really be eventful, just because I'm freezing. It's cold up here! My god, I turned the heater on, but that didn't do too much.

I joined Gaia a while ago, and now I want some friends. I know to get friends I have to get on there, but it's hard. I just don't really have the time. I mean, I have time, but usually a good half an hour is spent looking (not checking, lol) at my mail then at DeviantArt and then at pics of bishounen. I'm just lazy, but I have been getting better at coming on the net and writing emails. Now, better to me means that I actually write one. If it gets sent or completed is another, story, but at least I write them.

I need to be writing my emails, cause I haven't been emailing ANYBODY. But my deal is, if I send you an email, the ONLY reason I'll send you another one is if you reply to the first one. People expect me to randomly send emails, and that's not my style. Lol, well, was my style, since I don't send to many emails anymore...I need to get on that.

Another thing I need to get on is my drawings. I need to draw more often. I mean, (not to brag) I'm an AWESOME sketcher. My sketches can be amazing (in a sort of Abstract way). But then when I plan a pic, it all falls to pieces, so I need to work on that. And my writing, which I haven't been doing in like ever. I got a whole day to do it tomorrow, so I'm gonna pull some of my strings so I can do something. That'll be good.

Well, I'm gonna go play a game my friend from school let me borrow. I haven't played games since summer, and I stopped playing games since Kingdom Hearts (ONE not two) is really hard to me. I don't know, but they have to be joking with the Coliseum.That's waaay too hard for me! Lol, I got a walkthrough off the net, but hell, it can't play the game for me. But my goal for the upcoming year is to beat Kingdom Hearts and the get the new Kingdom Hearts game that *supposedly* coming out. It's a mix of Kingdom Hearts: Chains of Memories and then Kingdom Hearts 2. I want it, but the only way I'm gonna let myself get it is if I beat KH1. And boy, that game is hard, and I still think I'm in the *beginning*!!! Ah well, patience is a virtue...or something like that...

Ciao!
-Ariel

Electricity!

Yes! Yes! I have my power back! For the last two days I haven't had electricity or heat and now I do! My god, I'm happy. Of course, my room is like one of the only places in the house to NOT get heat, so I'll still freeze my bum off, but at least I have electricity.

Let me tell you, this week sucked! Sunday and Monday I was as sick as a dog, I couldn't keep anything down, and I didn't eat. I think I ate some bad pork chops Sunday, but for real, they put me through the ringer. Tuesday I was cramping the whole day, queasy, and barely ate, then Wednesday was just bad because well....(coughcoughthatgirlthingcoughcough) and that was the day I found out we didn't have any power. Then today wasn't so bad. Well, I can't remember the beginning of today or even a few hours ago just cause we got the power cut back on!!!AHAHAHAHA!!

I was really bitchy yesterday! I bit EVERYBODY's head off. I mean, I know it's normal for us females to get that way on certain days, but my God. I was a real bitch. Nobody really said anything to me about it, maybe it was because I was hinched over in pain most of the day, or just because they didn't know what to say, since I'm normally not...talking. But hey, it was fun to have silence. Heh heh. Today though, people were still reeling and they left me alone.Which was good, I guess. It was just funny to have people tip-toe around me. I can really come up with some good comebacks!

I've been in a drawing mood for a while, but I just can't sit down and do it. I mean, I can't come up with a picture that I can draw at my level, and then when I can come up with a decent (and somewhat realistic) picture idea, when I sit down with the paper, I lost all motivation. Now, this is normal for me, just cause I'm a lazy person...But it would be nice to not have it happen. But I do know God (or my muse...whoever wakes me up first) will come in handy. Eh, I hope so. I asked for a lot of drawing books for Christmas, but I do want to be at least decent before I get them.

Along with that urge to draw, I have an urge to play video games, and actually watch movies! Wha? I'm not the type of person to sit down and do something for a long period of time unless I'm *really* into it, but now I have all these urges...And Thanksgiving break is coming up! HAHAH! Now, I have to act on these urges. Plus, I get a day more then my little sister! HAHAHAAHAH! My urges shall be fufilled (I hope!)

I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Especially not after this week of the Ultimate Hell. Oh well. At least I can burn some calories or something, I dunno.

Oh yeah! I got straight A+'s on my report card except for math (I got an A in Math)..I'm happy, but I'm used to it (I sound so conceited right now...). but anyway yeah....

Peace and Love from up Above!

-Ariel