Is it even worth it?

No, I don't the title is worth it.

Nothing has happened in the 24 hours I have seen you blog, except me going through my daily depression cycle. Yes, just like a female's regular cycle (I got that too, but that's not the point I'm trying to make...) that happens once a month, I go through a depression cycle once a day. Just like a period, blog, except I don't bleed. Which is a good thing.

Anyway, this depression cycle was about my artwork. It's not horrible, but it's not relatively good either, at least not to me. And I'm the only person that matters. I mean, my friends say it's good, but they're friends. They'll say about anything to get me to shut about my problems. So how will I be able to believe them?

I'm getting better of course, but I want to be really good! I want this progression, this evolution, to hurry the hell up. I'm a very impatient person.

I did all my poetry class homework today. I'm glad that dumb class is over. My English teacher Mr. Zito, just pretty much killed off all my learning senses. I hate his class with a passion. Everytime I think about that class, I cringe. I used to love poetry before we had to end the school year with a poetry lesson. Now, I hate poetry. Just, hate. Yes, I know I shouldn't hate an art form because one person messed it up, but he just messed it up so bad! He forced us to read three poems in front of the class...Never again. My crap was butchered even more than I could imagined. Being laughed at and called suicidal, UGH! I HATE YOU MR.ZITO.

I did plan on getting all insight full for this post, but it's waaay too hot for that. I'm basically melting here. And no, not an ounce of fat is melting with me. That sucks.

I'm debating on whether I should join Deviant Art and Myspace or not. Deviant Art is free (well, a basic membership is free) and Myspace is free. I don't know... Cons for the Deviant Art thing... My artwork is embarrassing and for Myspace...Well, why would I want to conform to society? Who the hell ISN'T on Myspace. The pros are that I could meet new people and make friends...Choices, choices.

Nothing Important

I think something was wrong with Blogger yesterday, because I tried to post a message and I couldn't even get to the website to log in. And then the day before when I tried to post a message, the message posted three times. Oh well, the problem seems to be fixed now.

Nothing is going on in my life right now. I have found a couple of Yaoi sites that I plan on looking at. Man, I really don't know how to pronounce yaoi. Is it "yah-oh-ee"? or "yah-oy"? I really want to know...

It's really fricking hot here. I don't like the heat much. In the winter I say I'd rather be hot than cold, but this is ridiculus! I'm basically melting. That's a good thing though, cause if I'm melting, that means the tons of fat on me will be melting too. Awesome.

Ah Boy...

Well, the reason I wasn't online for ages is because the new computer (the one upstairs) lost its internet connection. I could of used the computer downstairs, but that one is slow. The internet connection got fixed Monday, but I was just too lazy to get on the internet until today.

Well, a lot of stuff has happened in the week (or is it two weeks?) I was gone. But, I'm lazy. I mean, I COULD spend the next three pages of this thing to write about that stuff, but I say move on into the future. Well, actually, I don't say that, but when it comes to typing about the past for an hour, uh, the future is MUCH more important.

Next week the 7th and 8th grade are going on the big Spring Trip. We're going to Pittsburgh, which I've been to. But I've been to the ghetto part of Pittsburgh, so maybe the city part will be better. My mom says it won't, but I try not to listen to her anymore.

Ok, this post was just for me to get back in the hang of things. I know after this I won't be able to forget about you blog! So I will come back tomorrow (or later today) with something a lot more interesting than what I just put down. Which would be just about anything.

Welcome to the Jungle

I totally have that song in my head, it's awesome. I love it! I don't know why I love it so much, it's just awesome I guess.

Nothing has been going on I guess. Today me and Nick just annoyed Mrs and Mrs with our dirty little minds. The whole time we stayed after school was just used codes for sexual things. I don't know why me and Nick are so freaking interested in sex, that's basically all we talk about nowadays, in code of course. Like If he says something about a raincoat, he's talking about bras. It's weird.

Roberta's starting to get on my nerves. Roberta is a friend of mine, and she's been like my lifeline to the outside population ever since she came to my school (and before me and Nick became friends again). Now she seems annoying. Like, when I'm flirting with Andrew (for some reason, if I'm attracted to someone, I constantly flirt....I need to get that fixed. I hate when I do it, but I can't help myself!) she has to butt in and tell me to leave the boy alone. Let's just say I'm not the only person bothering Andrew at the moment! All the girls bother him, so why when I do it I get yelled at. Today she yelled at me about it and to say the least I was pissed. I didn't really speak to her for the rest of the day...Boy. I'm starting to hate people just like Nick does...I need to fix that...

Cancellation Not Needed

Today didn't go so horribly wrong as I thought it would. I made my mom a small card with a freehand drawing I did of a girl (who was black....inside joke...) waving. She liked it, and she liked how I put in bold letters "I drew this myself!". It was quick too. She said she liked it and I went downstairs to sit around and be lazy.

Yesterday I spelled proportions wrong and I don't feel like changing it. Oh well...

I really want to get my Goth Guy finished by tomorrow. I just feel like drawing something, but every time I try to draw something, it doesn't come out right. I found some tutorials today, they look promising. I'll try them out.

We didn't get to go to the movies yesterday, Arieana was sick. We won't go today either. But, today me and my mom and my sister are going to the hospital to visit my great grandmother. She's been sick for a while and NOBODY knows whats wrong with her. I think it's her time to go. But, anyway, we're visiting her for mother's day along with my grandma, Nanny. I hope we don't get some life threatening news or whatever.

I'm hungry, like always. I'm going to Deviant Art to check out some pictures. Maybe I'll be able to feel jealous and be motivated to draw something...I hope so.

8th Grade Graduation Party!

Yesterday, I was dreading the fact that I hadn't told my mom about the 8th grade graduation party. I wasn't planning on going. I mean, everytime I go somewhere outside (meaning: every time I leave my house) I feel isolated and detached. I just don't understand the minds of teenagers today, I guess. Or I'm just a loser...

Well, Nicholas kept bugging me about it. He really wanted me to go. He wants to change my "hermit" status. So, after 6 and a half hours (the whole school day) of having to hear him tell me about the party, I called my mom after school and she let me go! Whaa?! I was surprised! And a little pissed because if I truly in my heart had wanted to go to that damn party, she would of told me no.

Well, I was really excited about the party. It was the second party in my entire life that I've been too. The first party was kinda bad. I ended up sitting in the corner investigating the carpet the whole time. It was Stephanie's party, and I got invited back when Stephanie was desperate for friends...But that's a whole other story.

Anyway, as soon as I got to the party, a whole bunch of people were surprised that I even showed up. I never knew so many classmates knew I had no life. But anyway, the whole experience was fun. We basically played kickball (then watched Chris, a short chubby boy in my class, get undressed to go get the kickball when it landed in the nearby lake) and talked. When nightfall came was danced to music. Well, everybody else danced to music. I can't dance (it surprises people that I'm Black with how little rhythm I have) and I wasn't going to start dancing in front of like 12 classmates. Basically, nobody showed up. All the White people (hey, I'm not racist or anything) and a couple of other people (meaning the four black people including myself).It was fun. I didn't end up sitting in the corner the whole time either, I actually came out of my shell...Which translates into me becoming a follower. I now know why posers are so abundant:It's fun!

My pics won't upload...I'll try again some other time.

Mother's day. I know I spent an extremely long time on the subject, but it's down to crunch time now. I came to the conclusion (half an hour ago) that I'm gonna draw a free hand picture (this is a term I use when I just randomly draw something, there's no planning involved), just so I don't feel bad.

Speaking of pictures, I really wanna draw a goth guy, but I can NEVER get my porportions right. I feel like giving up art after having most (ok, probably all) my pictures be wrong in the porportion area...I'm gonna go on the net and find some helpful sites. HOPEFULLY, after I draw the Goth Dude, I'll be able to post him on here along with my other stuff. Hopefully, if someone ever sees this, I'll be good by that time.

My dad wants to take us (me and Areiana) to the movies today. My hermit side is telling me I don't ant to go. The movie is Akeelah and the Bee. I know the movie is probably awesome...but...I just wanna draw something! (I know I'm complaining..) Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to kick it at Borders (the movie theater is next to Borders aka Heaven) before the movie starts.

Well, I'm going to look up porportions and shota (or is it shouta?) and other anime things.

See ya! (BTW:I didn't read through the post (too lazy) so ignore spelling mistakes, etc.)

Cancel Mother's Day, Please!

Mother's day is coming up and I'm really dreading it. Me and my mom haven't been getting along so well lately. Everytime I do something, she yells at me, calls me lazy, and says I won't do anything for myself. Even though I am somewhat lazy, eventually I'll do something for myself. It just takes me a little longer. Like today, after about a week of my mom yelling at me to do something with my hair (I hate fiddling with my hair. I wish I had white people's hair so I could do NOTHING to it everyday..) I did what she said and I put this grease stuff it in. Well, low and behold, right before we walk out the door, my mom mumbles something about how I just don't give a damn about myself and how I'm lazy like my dad. Today was the first time in my life where I actually put grease in my hair (it's done up, so I sprayed grease in my hair) and then my mom has the nerve to complain about it. To say the least it hurts. I mean, that was my first time putting grease in my hair, and instead of a "You'll, hopefully, do better next time." or "At least you tried." I get that I'm lazy. It pisses me off so much. How can anything I do be perfect the FIRST TIME I do it? It's impossible. My mom does this with EVERYTHING I do, not just something trivial like hair.

I mean, my mom's ALWAYS on my case. I go nowhere and do nothing and she's always bugging me. No, not the "How'd your day at school go?" bugging, just her generally yelling at me and calling me lazy. She never does this with Arieana, so why me? I was reading this book in Science class the other day on dealing with feelings (It was one of those crap health books) and one girl in the book just spoke to me. It's like she came out of the book and read my mind. I can't remember exactly what the book said, but in a nutshell, the girl said that she's feels left out and hurt because her mom and dad pamper (ok, not the word I was looking for...) her little 5 year old sister, just because she's in the cute stage of life. I was blown away. That's exactly the way I feel now. My mom and dad bend at Arieana's every whim, they talk to her and actually respond and they (espcially my mom) just give her stuff. I get nothing, in an emotional sense. A nod here and there and the occasional "Why are you so mean to your sister?". Bullcrap, I say.

I wish my parents would at least look at me and not yell, well, my mom at least. She can't accept anything about me. I just think she hates my apathy towards my appearance and how I come off to people. I just want to be myself. I'm ok with my downfalls and who cares if I look like a bum? I don't, and that's what matters. Right? Now, ok, I don't look like a homeless person every time I walk out of the house, but I just could care less about how I look...Now I sound..Depressed. No, I'm just confident in how I look most of the time. Yeah. I also want to buy my own clothes too. Just to express myself. Jesus Christ, it's like I never get clothes in the first place and when we do go shopping for clothes, my mom buys crap...That is popular today...No..No..Personally, I would LOVE to be a poser and buy something towards the Goth/Punk style. Nothing full blown. But maybe some jeans or a shirt, something to set me apart from the person standing next to me. I used to have this shirt with a skull on it and it was a greyish tan. I loved it. I felt so cool and confident when I wore it, even though I was still a huge whale in it. But then, when my mom saw it, she took it away from me. She gave me a lame excuse as to why it was gone (as usual). The shirt was free, so it wasn't THAT bad, but still. That shirt gave me confidence. A girl who has less than an ounce of confidence got a whole gallon from that shirt! It was scary, having the confidence to walk around without a heavy jacket on at the mall! Scary! And nice too. I like having that confidence. I miss it and that beautiful shirt.

I tell you blog (I need to come up with a name for you!), I really pray that I can become Goth one day. That statement right there just tells you have deprived I am of worldly contact. I don't know, maybe in the deep depths of my mind, I want to be Goth because Gothic People (Yes, I capatilized Gothic People!) just seem to not care. Yeah, I know when someone discovers my existence on the net (It's bound to happen someday) their feathers might be ruffled at this statement, but that's how I see things. God, I just want to buy my own clothes! Maybe just me buying something would make me feel better. No, me getting some clothing, that I like, would make me feel better. I know this won't happen anytime soon though. My mom isn't going to waste any precious money on me when she could buy something cute and delightful for Areiana...

OK, hating my mom is over. Next topic: Mother's day. Before I started my rant on my independence, I was thinking about what to do for Mother's day, the forsaken day! Lol. I was thinking about drawing my mom a picture (I'm actually getting good at drawing, someday I'll scan my pics onto here) but I threw that out the window when my mom started mumbling under her breath about me during the day. So then, I thought about giving my mom a card on how she makes me feel. I do like my existence on Earth, so I threw that idea out the window too. Then, I just thought of NOT giving her a card, like I did last year sorta kinda. Last year I *forgot* it was Mother's Day and pulled together some rinky dink thing with my dad...I forgot what we did..Oh well. The rest of my time was spent thinking on giving my mom a drawn card. Then I remembered when I gave my mom a drawn card for her birthday (March 5th). That was Holy Hell. Talk about feelings being crushed. On the card there were pictures of people which I traced onto the paper and colored. Well, that wasn't good enough for her. As soon as I gave her the card, she told me I didn't draw it and then laughed. She asked why there were white people on it and then the whole tone made it seem like my effort wasn't even worth it. I just went in my room and cried. I was so angry. At least she GOT a damn card, regardless if I traced the pictures or not! Oh well, I don't know. I'm just gonna make my mom a rinky dink card and call it a day.Without pictures. Problem solved.

Lately, schoolwork hasn't been on my list of things to do. I just don't feel like doing any of it. Summer is so close I can taste it! I just want to sleep in and stay up and have nothing to do. School is stopping me from doing that. Now that the play's over, I have free time. I've been thinking of a couple ways to spend my free time (other than doing schoolwork):

1.Trying to learn to read and write Japanese. (Yes, I know it's one of the hardest languages on Earth to learn. Everyone tells me this as soon as I say I want to learn it. I get it!)

2.Learn about Satanism.(God isn't really what I'm looking for in life. It all seems like a big lie. And yeah, Satanism may not be the religion I'm looking for, but it seems the coolest. Maybe if I have some MORE free time, I'll find another religion to learn about.)

3.Find (free) porn. (Is an explaination really needed? C'mon, it's porn. It's a universal word with a universal meaning. That's all that needs to be said.)

4.Find some shota.(Yeah, I think I spelled shota right. I know I want it. I've pretty much discovered over the past couple weeks that I'm a lolicon...Not something you want to brag about...)

5.Draw some pictures.(Because I can and I'm getting better at it.)

6.Find some hentai. (Read #3's explaination.)

7.Repeat 3, 4, and 6.(Enough said.)

Whelp, there's my list. I'm going to do those things WHENEVER I have some free time. Yeah, there's G-rated things I'll be doing, but those are the MAIN points. Yeah!

I'm gonna go now and do #4. See you soon!

*Sigh*

i don't really feel like typing anything important...I'm chatting right now (yay!)....This post was put here to show you I'm still alive....

well, bye

I hate roaches...

Sorry I haven't posted in a while (to anybody that just happens to be passing by my blog), I've been either busy or lazy or on the old computer. I've been on the old computer a lot lately, just to read erotica (hey....hey! At least I'm telling the truth!) and since that computer down there most likely has a virus (probably from me reading erotica) it takes me a good half an hour trying to get online...So, when I finally got online, I did not feel like typing a whole post.

My sister has been wanting to go on the computer just about everyday now. It gets annoying, but at least she's out of my hair. She also wants to ask loads of stupid questions all the time. That's ok I guess, but add in the fact that she hates me and it gets worse. like if my mom yells clearly at me, she'll ask "Who, Ariel?" like she didn't know..It just makes my mom yell some more...at me of course.

There has been stuff going on I guess, but because I've been busy or lazy or on the old computer, I really don't feel like mentioning those things that happened....Oh I'll try.Christ.

Ok, well Nick (a real close friend of mine and the crush I know will never work) just had to remind me he's going to Western Reserve Academy, one of the best schools in the world. Just great. I mean, I'm ok with my mom's (no, I DID NOT choose this high school) high school choice, St.Martin de Porres, but when Nick mentions his high school, I get jealous. Plus, he's going to a boarding school, at no charge! My mom was afriad (that's how I saw it) to try for scholarships at ANY school, so I don't know. I know I shouldn't be complaining because St.Martin de Porres gives you loads of life experience (you work one day out of the week to pay for tuition) and they have nice technology...I'm just jealous that's all. It sucks too when people say "Oh you could of went to Beaumont (an awesome all girls school) or Regina (another awesome all girls school) if you tried out for scholarships." Oh well, I'll deal with going to St.Martin de Porres because I know I'll have a fresh start. Nick said that I better have a lot of friends when I get there, so that's something to look forward too (having friends, that is).

The reason I said I hate roaches (the title) is because the people who live downstairs from my family (we live in a two family house) have a really bad roach infestation, and today they had to drop a bomb in both of the house to get the roaches out. Right now I'm over Cathy's house, a family friend. I'm pissed. My mom said that she doubts that the lady under us will even set off the bomb. I doubt it too. My family did so much to clean up the few roaches we spotted in our house and the people downstairs could care less! The guy that went to check out their house said that roaches were everywhere and that they filled up the cabinets...Eww! How can you NOT notice a huge cockroach? How?! I'm just gonna forget it. All I know is by the time I get home (I got to do play again today, the last performance!) our house will be clean and spotless and I won't have to help put stuff up (cause I took out all the food and stuff from the kitchen, the place where the bomb would be set off). Ahh, I'm so lazy!

I'm gonna go surf the net now on Cathy's computer. My mom has to work tomorrow, and hopefully I won't spend to much time cleaning up the play stuff tomorrow either. Then I'll post and bore some unlucky passerby some more. Haha.

Oh well...

Nothing's really going on today. I didn't draw my puppet boy, I pretty much did nothing. Why that surprises me is still a mystery.

I'm filled with rage and hatred. I don't know. My family has become the enemy and everything they say goes in one ear and out the other. I find myself muttering shut up to them constantly and me yelling constantly. I can barely yell now and I don't like the feeling! My little sister has become much more of a pain in the ass than usual. I'm always yelling at her. She's...She's just annoying. I love her, but she bothers me a lot. And my mom and dad favor her...Well, maybe I'm just seeing it that way because of the hormones raging through my body. I hope so.

I'm looking at some anime pics now from Angel Sanctuary. The first book of that manga....It didn't fit my fancy. I was confuddled! But if I read it now (like 6-8 months after I bought volume one and two) I'll probably get it. Plus, to me, all the characters look the same...I don't know...I like the pretty boys in it though. hee hee!

I am going to draw my puppet boy! I will! That is a fact. I have to draw that boy. It's like he's trying to escape from me or something! I HAVE to draw him. Expect him next Sunday though, cause oddly enough, I draw most of my good pictures on Sunday.

Rant:Why do people with talent complain? I don't know. I have some talent, but when I know I drew something good, dammit, I say I drew something good. They always point out they're mistakes, especially if it's like on Van Gogh status. Oh well, I know I'm gonna complain a lot when I get good at art too. So, let me shut up now.

Me and Nick are email chatting (he doesn't have yahoo or aim)..So...I'm gonna go....

Bye.