Cancel Mother's Day, Please!

Mother's day is coming up and I'm really dreading it. Me and my mom haven't been getting along so well lately. Everytime I do something, she yells at me, calls me lazy, and says I won't do anything for myself. Even though I am somewhat lazy, eventually I'll do something for myself. It just takes me a little longer. Like today, after about a week of my mom yelling at me to do something with my hair (I hate fiddling with my hair. I wish I had white people's hair so I could do NOTHING to it everyday..) I did what she said and I put this grease stuff it in. Well, low and behold, right before we walk out the door, my mom mumbles something about how I just don't give a damn about myself and how I'm lazy like my dad. Today was the first time in my life where I actually put grease in my hair (it's done up, so I sprayed grease in my hair) and then my mom has the nerve to complain about it. To say the least it hurts. I mean, that was my first time putting grease in my hair, and instead of a "You'll, hopefully, do better next time." or "At least you tried." I get that I'm lazy. It pisses me off so much. How can anything I do be perfect the FIRST TIME I do it? It's impossible. My mom does this with EVERYTHING I do, not just something trivial like hair.

I mean, my mom's ALWAYS on my case. I go nowhere and do nothing and she's always bugging me. No, not the "How'd your day at school go?" bugging, just her generally yelling at me and calling me lazy. She never does this with Arieana, so why me? I was reading this book in Science class the other day on dealing with feelings (It was one of those crap health books) and one girl in the book just spoke to me. It's like she came out of the book and read my mind. I can't remember exactly what the book said, but in a nutshell, the girl said that she's feels left out and hurt because her mom and dad pamper (ok, not the word I was looking for...) her little 5 year old sister, just because she's in the cute stage of life. I was blown away. That's exactly the way I feel now. My mom and dad bend at Arieana's every whim, they talk to her and actually respond and they (espcially my mom) just give her stuff. I get nothing, in an emotional sense. A nod here and there and the occasional "Why are you so mean to your sister?". Bullcrap, I say.

I wish my parents would at least look at me and not yell, well, my mom at least. She can't accept anything about me. I just think she hates my apathy towards my appearance and how I come off to people. I just want to be myself. I'm ok with my downfalls and who cares if I look like a bum? I don't, and that's what matters. Right? Now, ok, I don't look like a homeless person every time I walk out of the house, but I just could care less about how I look...Now I sound..Depressed. No, I'm just confident in how I look most of the time. Yeah. I also want to buy my own clothes too. Just to express myself. Jesus Christ, it's like I never get clothes in the first place and when we do go shopping for clothes, my mom buys crap...That is popular today...No..No..Personally, I would LOVE to be a poser and buy something towards the Goth/Punk style. Nothing full blown. But maybe some jeans or a shirt, something to set me apart from the person standing next to me. I used to have this shirt with a skull on it and it was a greyish tan. I loved it. I felt so cool and confident when I wore it, even though I was still a huge whale in it. But then, when my mom saw it, she took it away from me. She gave me a lame excuse as to why it was gone (as usual). The shirt was free, so it wasn't THAT bad, but still. That shirt gave me confidence. A girl who has less than an ounce of confidence got a whole gallon from that shirt! It was scary, having the confidence to walk around without a heavy jacket on at the mall! Scary! And nice too. I like having that confidence. I miss it and that beautiful shirt.

I tell you blog (I need to come up with a name for you!), I really pray that I can become Goth one day. That statement right there just tells you have deprived I am of worldly contact. I don't know, maybe in the deep depths of my mind, I want to be Goth because Gothic People (Yes, I capatilized Gothic People!) just seem to not care. Yeah, I know when someone discovers my existence on the net (It's bound to happen someday) their feathers might be ruffled at this statement, but that's how I see things. God, I just want to buy my own clothes! Maybe just me buying something would make me feel better. No, me getting some clothing, that I like, would make me feel better. I know this won't happen anytime soon though. My mom isn't going to waste any precious money on me when she could buy something cute and delightful for Areiana...

OK, hating my mom is over. Next topic: Mother's day. Before I started my rant on my independence, I was thinking about what to do for Mother's day, the forsaken day! Lol. I was thinking about drawing my mom a picture (I'm actually getting good at drawing, someday I'll scan my pics onto here) but I threw that out the window when my mom started mumbling under her breath about me during the day. So then, I thought about giving my mom a card on how she makes me feel. I do like my existence on Earth, so I threw that idea out the window too. Then, I just thought of NOT giving her a card, like I did last year sorta kinda. Last year I *forgot* it was Mother's Day and pulled together some rinky dink thing with my dad...I forgot what we did..Oh well. The rest of my time was spent thinking on giving my mom a drawn card. Then I remembered when I gave my mom a drawn card for her birthday (March 5th). That was Holy Hell. Talk about feelings being crushed. On the card there were pictures of people which I traced onto the paper and colored. Well, that wasn't good enough for her. As soon as I gave her the card, she told me I didn't draw it and then laughed. She asked why there were white people on it and then the whole tone made it seem like my effort wasn't even worth it. I just went in my room and cried. I was so angry. At least she GOT a damn card, regardless if I traced the pictures or not! Oh well, I don't know. I'm just gonna make my mom a rinky dink card and call it a day.Without pictures. Problem solved.

Lately, schoolwork hasn't been on my list of things to do. I just don't feel like doing any of it. Summer is so close I can taste it! I just want to sleep in and stay up and have nothing to do. School is stopping me from doing that. Now that the play's over, I have free time. I've been thinking of a couple ways to spend my free time (other than doing schoolwork):

1.Trying to learn to read and write Japanese. (Yes, I know it's one of the hardest languages on Earth to learn. Everyone tells me this as soon as I say I want to learn it. I get it!)

2.Learn about Satanism.(God isn't really what I'm looking for in life. It all seems like a big lie. And yeah, Satanism may not be the religion I'm looking for, but it seems the coolest. Maybe if I have some MORE free time, I'll find another religion to learn about.)

3.Find (free) porn. (Is an explaination really needed? C'mon, it's porn. It's a universal word with a universal meaning. That's all that needs to be said.)

4.Find some shota.(Yeah, I think I spelled shota right. I know I want it. I've pretty much discovered over the past couple weeks that I'm a lolicon...Not something you want to brag about...)

5.Draw some pictures.(Because I can and I'm getting better at it.)

6.Find some hentai. (Read #3's explaination.)

7.Repeat 3, 4, and 6.(Enough said.)

Whelp, there's my list. I'm going to do those things WHENEVER I have some free time. Yeah, there's G-rated things I'll be doing, but those are the MAIN points. Yeah!

I'm gonna go now and do #4. See you soon!