Speeches

Yes, well, it was that time again. The time for a Speech, oh so wonderfully delivered by my mom. The point of this Speech was to let me (Ariel) know that I suck as a child, that I need to grow up, and that, well, when everybody dies I should feel really guilty about it.

Ok, ok, that was the hormones talking, but hey, I am going through "puberty."

I have an excuse for not doing anything artistic yesterday. My mom had to go to work at 1 pm and she wouldn't get off until nine, so she decided to send me and my sister over Cathy's house (Cathy is basically like an aunt to me and my sister). Anyway, I wasn't the least bit happy, so I pussyfooted around. I didn't physically move until 11 (but I woke up at nine) and then moved like a turtle. This, to say the least, pissed my mom completely off. At that point, I didn't care.

Anyway, at Cathy's house I spent about a good three hours on the computer, doing nothing. Seriously. I wrote some emails, checked my mail, but I didn't really do anything that needed to be done. So, then after that, Cathy took us to see Flushed Away, which isn't a bad movie. After that we went to Ruby Tuesday's and then I got to go into Barnes & Noble. Yeah! Cathy even gave me twenty bucks to spend, but I didn't. I just didn't feel like spending money. I never do anymore...

We left the mall and then went home. Arieana (my little sister) wanted to get on the computer and I let her. I stayed in my mom's room, falling into my little imaginary world, talking to myself and other people, just having an all over good time. All was well.

But then, my mom came home. It wasn't like black clouds filled the sky or anything (it was already dark out) but I could just tell she was pissed. She was pissed the whole day, all over me moving like a turtle.

So, she walks in and I greet (which is rare, since I don't really speak to anyone anymore) and she says hi. I think all is ok, you know, she's home from work, she wants me out of her room, but no. No. No. No. It's time for a Speech.

A Speech is when my mom feels the need to "gently" make me feel like crap. She just dumps all her emotions on me, mostly about how she hates that I'm lazy, I need to actually give a damn....Yadda yadda yadda. It's more of an indoctrination. After every Speech, Ariel (me) feels like crap and wants to die. Yeah.

So, this Speech, was not different. We (well, she) covered the main bases. I'm lazy, I'm not responsible, I'm mean, I'm rude, I'm anti-social. This was nothing new. So not new that when I saw the chance for me to leave, I took it. God, halfway to freedom and she stops me (with words) and just proves her point. So, the rest of the Speech, I'm standing.

After she tells me all my sucky points, she adds some new material. Like, how I don't speak to her anymore. That was a shocker. I'm dead serious. I noticed that we haven't been to chatty with each other lately, but I wasn't really complaining about it. I didn't really want to talk to my mother. Well, don't really. I just don't, I don't know why. Maybe it's because every time I try to talk, I get attitude or yelled at, or it just doesn't seem like she's interested in what I have to say. I don't know. But my mom got mad and said I was rude and there must be something wrong with me because I don't talk.

The other shocker was that I'm rude. I mean, I know I'm rude to her, to my mother, but I didn't know I was rude in general. That hurt, I mean, I pride myself on being nice to people, or at least trying to. But now I'm rude. Great.

What else? Ah, I really don't remember.

Yes, I do. My mother also thinks I have been raped or something. I found that funny, no, not the concern she has for her daughter, but the fact that I, me, could have been raped. Eh, let me shut up.

But anyway, that bothered me. A lot of things my mom said to me yesterday bothered me. My mom told me some things that I really didn't need to hear. Like, how she really didn't want to have my sister. She didn't want any kids. But now that my mom has my sister, she spoils her so that God doesn't take her away. Yeah, that's some deep stuff, but I'm gonna be a rude and irresponsible bitch and say that I really didn't ask. What did that have to do with me? I'm glad she wanted (wanted being the key word; the PAST TENSE key word) but I really didn't need to know that.

Also, my mom said some stuff about her childhood, as usual, and about how she was.....I guess abused by a family member. She wasn't very clear about it. That's why shes so hard and mean, because she doesn't want me to experience what she went through. That was the whole point of the Speech.

I feel bad now. Not only did she have to go deep into her past to try to get me to realize my ways (which apparently suck and are completely wrong, no wonder I'm such a rude waste of life) but....I really didn't care. At all. I mean, that's the really scary part. I just didn't (/don't) care. I can't wrap my mind around it. Usually after a Speech I cry and I think about my ways, how I should try to change, but after this Speech, well, there was nothing. I went back to my fantasy world. I didn't cry, I didn't even think about it. It was like it never happened.

I hope it's the hormones that make me immune to any and every emotion that comes my way. I hope and pray that it's over soon, well, sooner than normal. God, I'm just pissed. My mom makes it seem like EVERYTHING is my fault. Like, if someone dies, it's my fault cause I didn't talk to them, or it's my fault. My mom mentioned people dying like five times. All involved either her or my grandmother. Yeah, Ariel the mass murderer, the rude bitch, the irresponsible bitch, the bitch with no friends. The bitch that my mom dislikes. She doesn't hate me, but she sure as hell doesn't like me. Nope. Nope. Nope. Neither does my dad, who LOVES Arieana. Boy, he oozes love when she's around. Just like my mom.

They blame their favoritism on "different personalities". Well, my mom does but my dad silently says the same thing. Because of our "different personalities", Ariel is extremely disliked and Arieana is Jesus reincarnated. Yeah, whatever. I get it.

I shouldn't complain, my life rocks, yadda yadda yadda. I'm still pissed. There's a lot that I need to write out, you know? Just release, but I can't. I'd be a selfish bitch if I did. I can't tell anyone of my emotions. Well, I can, but I won't. I have nothing to complain about.....I do. I do.

I'm leaving. I'm gonna go do something else. I'm really depressed and pissed now....I hate hormones...