I'm not dead...yet

Hello, I haven't been online for a while. In reality, its only been a couple days, but to an addict a couple days is a looong time, lol.

Well, a lot of stuff happened. Mostly me thinking and finding out new pieces of info from my parents about how they're probably gonna feel about my life choices..Ah...

Thursday I didn't come online cause I was dead tired. Friday, my sis was online the whole time.

Ok, Saturday, my mom took my clothes shopping. It was ok I guess, but the whole time I just kept getting reaffirmed that I'm ugly and have no curves. I mean, I'm sorta ok with being a huge beached whale most of the time, but when you have no curves and is as flat as a pancake, it sucks. I got boobies (too much info i know) but that's about the only curve I have. I don't even have a butt, which makes me just wide and curveless. All this *caring what other people think* stuff shouldn't really be on my mind, but I can't help but think about this type of stuff. I just, I don't know. I just hate my body. It's not even like I just wish I was skinnier, it's more that...I don't know had some womdanly curves...Know what I mean? I don't know...My mom isn't really helping me with my body image questions either...Ah...

That night, while me and my mom were going through the clothes and what we bought, she told me to fold the slacks and put them on the hanger. This broke out into this huge yelling thing (my mom basically did the yelling) where she kept calling me stupid and retarded and that I should just go to a public school so I can be with stupid people like myself. All this cause I couldn't put the damn pants on the hanger the right way... I mean, my mom showed me how to do it, but she did it so fast..God, I cried right after...My eyes are all watery now...But, it hurt so much. I don't get it, she could of just...been a little gentler about it. She didn't have to scream her head off at me and call me names. I wasn't even like, joking around not knowing where the crease was and stuff, I seriously didn't know. i can't help that I didn't know how to fold the pants, and yelling and screaming and basically throwing out that little ounce of self esteem I have isn't gonna help either. God, did I bawl my eyes out after that. I'm still pissed about it. It hurt so bad. I can't even describe it. I just, I didn't...I kept thinking about it, and I just hated myself so much. I seriously thought i was dumb or something...That's not what a mom should make her kid feel, dumb and stupid...I need to stop thinking about it. So there, one part of my life (self-confidence) ruined. Strike One.

Then, the next day, me and my dad are sitting around watching TV and while a commercial is on, he tells me that if your kid turns out gay it's a huge disappointment. What the hell? Just randomly out of the blue, said that if a parent (including him he said) found out that their kid was gay would be a big disappointment. That's great. Now if I ever do find the love of my life and it happens to be a chick, you'll be disappointed. Just fantastic. I feel loved...Ugh, I hate that thought! Both my folks are like that. God, it's so messed up! My dad is a homophobe (he's totally against gay people)...God, I hate this. I don't like it at all. Two out of my four friends in the whole world is gay! And yes, I know that his feelings on things shouldn't affect me, but it still hurts. Why can't he just accept everyone? Would he totally be pissed at me if I was gay? I probably wouldn't even tell my family, ever. Strike two against my soul. (here's me being all emo, people)

Then, today when we were picking up my cousin so she could spend the night, me and my mom saw this girl and this guy walking together (the girl was PROBABLY black, you couldn't tell) and the guy white. Well, my mom decides to drop a bomb "I can't STAND black and white people dating. I just don't like it. I don't know that's their thing." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't handle this. I don't know. This is strike three against EVERYTHING i stand for and my life and personality. I mean, I'm mostly attracted to white guys! White people in general! Which totally collides with my moms racism (she's a racist, she admits to it)....God, I feel so lost you know? I mean, your family should be behind you in everything, but now with this new informatin I now know that if I turn out to be a lesbian that happens to date a white girl, I'm finished. I'm disowned. Done. No family. My whole family has a grudge against white people..I don't get it. It hurts so much. Just, kills my soul.

I hate when my family talks about how they hate gay people or how they hate white people. The only people I get along with are gay people and white people....It's so hard living in a place where people just can't accept crap and let it be. I just don't get it. I hate it soo much. How could they be so mean and talk about people they don't even know. I feel like crying...I know I can't change their views and whatnot, but still. When my mom openly admits to holding me back from doing stuff cause white people are doing it, it just tears my heart up. She has though. It all makes sense now, as to why I could never do anything or go anywhere...Just, I hate this.

I'm really depressed right now. I just had three identity shocks. One just leaving me with shreds of self confidence and two just messing up everything...I hope I get happy tomorrow and/or happy before high school, or else I'm screwed. I'm a really pissy bitch when I'm depressed and moping. A really pissy bitch.....