Bitching and Crying...Again

I haven't been here for a while...I've been lazy. And I've been thinking.

First, school is becoming a pain. I mean, I love the classes, but the people, and all the other variables are bothering me.

Variables as to Why School Doesn't Rock so Much Anymore

1.I feel stupid.- Eh, this is sorta expected when you move from a small school to a bigger one. I don't know, I'm just so used to be always called on and always being right and always being the smart one, that when I'm not any of those things, it hurts a little. I end up feeling really stupid and I don't like feeling stupid. I wanna be the best at what I do, and the thing I happen to do right now is school, and I'm not the best at it anymore...But, on the other hand, what did I expect? I'm not a genious. I'm not even all that smart, I just happened to be smartest in a school filled with not so smart people. Plus, I was a grade-grubber. I was going to be the smartest person in my 8th grade class. That was a given.

2.I'm not normal.- Not even like, out-cast normal. I just don't get it. I try to be this and I try to be that, but I don't fit in to the puzzle. I feel so...Old and detached. While everybody else is thinking about what they're gonna tell their boyfriends, I'm thinking about homework (which I should be doing right now..). I just feel, weird. Not even cool weird, just weird. I'm boring. To admit the truth, I am kind of a boring person. Or maybe I'm not. All the teenagers I try to hold a conversation with, just, don't listen to me. They interrupt and basically ignore me when I'm trying to speak. Even the people that hate when people do that to them do it to me. Maybe I'm overwhelming my doormat position. I usually let people boss me around, ignore me, walk over me so I can be accepted. But fuck that. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of being just there and not really mixing up the situation. I'm tired of being ignored. I don't know...I really don't know...

End of Variables as to Why School Doesn't Rock so Much

Now, it's feelings time.

I'm having a lot of mixed up emotions at the moment. Like, I know what I want, but at the moment it seems impossible to ask for it. Like with school, I want people to listen to me and consider my ideas, but it seems like so much to want. You know?

Ex: The other day we had this quickie group project in English where we had to set up ourselves like statues to convey the main idea of a poem. Like, what we thought the main idea of the poem was. Well, when I tried to speak and give ideas to my group members, they listened, but seconds after they completely ignored what I said, or questioned it like I was crazy. Or like I was a nobody. This made me mad and depressed. So, I gave up trying to give ideas and let them handle it. Finally, when it was our turn to go up, I had no idea what we were trying to show, no idea what we were doing. I just zoned out. Gave up.

Why does this always happen to me? Everybody thinks just beacuse I'm not as vocal as other folks, or just cause I look depressed all the time I'm a complete push over. I'm so sued to this thinking that I have become a push-over. I hate it. It's not fufilling in the slightest. I just need to stop being a doormat..But I can't really do that cause I'm addicted to be needed by people. I don't know, I just want to be accepted. That's all, and I know it's what all teens want. But, I think it's different for me. I just want to be heard. HEARD. The only folks that hear me are on the net. That's probably why I like the net a lot more then real life..

Ah...I just want to be real. Maybe I'm going through an identity crisis. I can't be real. All the things people see are fake. Well, not on the net. I may not speak my mind like I want to, but I do keep it real on the net. The way I see it, there are gonna be people that hate me on the net just cause I have an awesome screenname (LunarHermit), so why worry? All they can do is flame me, and I'm used to that in real life, so no biggie. Plus, on the net, there will ALWAYS be someone you can agree with or agrees with you. It's not like in the real world where you might be the only one for miles who likes something. On the net, there's someone right behind you that likes what you like and feels what you feel. So, the net is where I keep it real..God, I'm babbling.

I should really be doing my homework..I need to get on that...My mom will kill me if I don't do it today...Ah..I gotta go.

Glad you read all my bitching and moaning. :)