Hi...I'm not dead...Yet...

Yeah, I haven't been on here lately. I was gonna write Monday, but I didn't, and ever since then I've been feeling a little guilty, so I'm gonna pour all my thoughts onto you today blog. So, it's gonna be a lot.

Sunday-We went to the IX center that day. It was fun, but me and my cousins didn't really connect much. I tried to talk to them, but it didn't work out. Oh well. They were on their cell phones the whole time, except when we were on the rides.

I got on a lot of rides I normally wouldn't have gotten on. Mostly because I didn't want to feel left out of the group. And I didn't want my little sister to show me up. She got on almost EVERYTHING! She's five now, and boy! Some of the rides she got on though pissed me off because she's five and relatively small and she could of fallen out of the rides. It also made me mad that my mom let my sister on the rides, even after I described the rides to her, and then had the nerve to get all worried about my sister. She completely ignored me!

After we left the IX center my mom went over my grandma's house to get something and then we went to drop my cousins off. They planned on being dropped off at a girl named Michelle's house. Michelle isn't liked by my mom or grandma because Michelle said she'd f*ck my grandma up. That's when the drama started.

So, we get to Michelle's apartment building and my cousins jump out of the car and say nothing to me or my mom. My mom then decides to go see Alonzo (some dude in the family) and when she opens the door, there's Michelle and my uncle (my cousins' dad). All my mom did was walk away and said nothing. Well, now my uncle feels like my mom and grandma never like anyone he dates and my mom should give Michelle a chance and all this other stuff. I would go into depth with it, but it's hot...at least in computer room.

That day I also noticed how jealous I am of my sister. I mean, the signs were there before, but they never...came out. My teacher says I feel this way because my sister's in the cute stage of life and everybody loves her. So what, people got the courage to call me ugly in my face? I know, I know, points of my thoughts is nonexistent...I know.

Monday-I had play practice, but had to leave early to go to the dentist. I have three cavities. I'm so pissed. I know it's all my fault, but the fact the my younger sister, who NEVER brushes had no cavities but I, who brushes twice EVERY day, had three cavities. Hedious! I'm getting them filled in Monday at 7...Oh crap! That's when play practice is! I totally forgot! I was so angry the day we set the times up that I wanted to get them over as soon as possible! Oh well, I guess I'll miss play practice then....

Tuesday-Nothing happened that day. I was home alone and just watched my mom's little stash of porn. Yeah, yeah. Bad bad bad. But hell, she should of hid it better if she didn't want me to find it...(Or, I could of just ignored the stash and kept watching tv...) Choices, choices.

Wednesday-Nothing again. I had play practice and well, I tried to copy a picture freehand. It was a horrible experience. I'm thinking about giving up art all together. I SUCK! I wish I could figure out a way to get better, but I'm lazy and I like results fast. Maybe if people around me didn't make it look so easy...Or maybe I truly suck at art and should forget about it...No. I can't forget about art. I can feel it in my heart that it's my calling..Or I should at least be decent at it...I wish I was naturally talented...

Also, at play practice, I noticed that I actually have no friends. I have a good two at school. It was lonely. Imagine 12 people from your class or job and you in a room. Those 12 people go into a little circle and that leaves you all alone. That's how I felt. I knew that if I tried to go into that little circle I would be shunned...All the people in the group were white, except Nick. That's useless information, I know, but useless information sometimes helps me gain some sense of knowledge as to why life for me sucks...Makes me feel better too, cause I'm thinking about something...

Today, Thursday-Today I tried to copy a picture freehand and failed again. Then I went into a fit of rage trying to draw something decent. I ended up drawing nothing. That's why I came on the net in the first place. I wanted to find some *How to Draw Anime* tutorials. I found some that I want to print, but they're too long, and I have no confidence whatsoever that they'll actually help my drawing skills...Confidence is the one thing I need at the moment. That's also the one thing that I don't have..God, if I could draw, so many of my thoughts would be on paper and I'd be AWESOME! Even a little ability would help me...Come on God, bless me with SOMETHING!!

Well, I'm going to leave and look at pictures *normal* people drew. It kills me to go on sites like Deviant Art and see great peices, but the artists say "Well, this is a crap drawing." and "I drew this in Math class, kinda bad." WHAT?! What am I missing?? Lol. I will be great one day. And (since I'm listing ambitions) I will learn to speak Japanese. Yeah! My life is gonna be fun...As soon as the crappy teenage part ends.