The Wheel

History does repeat itself Ness! Oh God, does it ever!

Next week in English class we're doing poetry. POETRY! Man, as soon as I heard that I just went nuts. An inner nuts, not really saying anything...I mean, why poetry? Poetry has scarred me! Lol, but now that I've done the first poetry assignment, I find it easier to write (and read) my stuff.

It's June 1st! To me, that's the official start of summer. I don't know, but June has always been a happy month for me. Maybe it's getting out of school. Probably that. But then there's the whole "new beginnings" aspect. Just think Ness, three (er, well, two) months not seeing all the familiar faces you spent nine months with. Think of how much we all can change in two months! It's fun changing, growing into a new and better person. I just can't wait to see the change I make this summer.

Most summers I don't really make a physical change. No, all summers I never make much of a physical change. This summer probably won't be different, it all depends on my workload/time I spend out of the house. But every summer, I make a mental change. The things I like shift, people I enjoy change, how I view the world molds itself into a different perspective. Some summers it's small, but for the past few years my mental changes have been huge. So huge that I can't really name them, they just are.

I already mentioned the dilemma I have with what I'm doing this summer. It's starting to bother me now...All the questions I have. Do I want money or do I want to work with kids? Have fun, do artwork for three hours, or slave for four hours? I think Arts Collinwood sounds better than the job opportunity, but I do like money. Ah well, I just hope Arts Collinwood calls me. I don't really want to pick up the phone and call them...I get nervous.

I noticed that I got really nervous today when Lawrence (I think that's how you spell his name; my crush) walked by me. I get nervous just thinking about him, like right now...Lately he's been annoying the hell out of me, and I'm talking on a serious level. Always poking, always touching, always saying little things he knows will piss me off. But I think it's cute. I don't know why, but it's cute. And I think he's cute. And he's taller than me (like half an inch or so). I can't explain it. I think he likes me. And that's a scary yet wondrous thought. Someone liking me?! Huh? But I think, no know, he likes me. And I like him. A lot. Right now it even feels as if we're dating, give or take the fact that he brings up other girls he wants to date all the time.

I'm getting mixed messages from him. Like, one day he talked about how he was gonna totally hook up some girl that night (he didn't), but the next day when I was talking about Nick, he was all up in it! "Who is that?" "How long have you known him?" "Where'd you meet him?" So many questions! I just flat out told him we (me and Nick) weren't dating. After that he left the issue alone. He seemed happy.

Then another time we were talking about first loves (all the juicy stuff happens in English by the way, that's first period). He went into how his was hot and smart. I forgot the name of mine for a second and all of a sudden he was like, "Don't tell me, his name begins with an L." And he just started smiling and laughing. For a second I was serious and shaking my head. After that second I blushed and just continued to say no. It took me a moment to realize he had asked...I can't even say it.

What if Lawrence doesn't like me? What if he knows that I like him, and he's just playing around with me? Why would he care so much?

But I won't have to worry about that next year. Cause he won't be here next year. He's transferring to another school. That makes me angry and depressed. A guy finally (maybe, maybe not) likes me, is interested in me, but up and leaves before anything can blossom. Man! I know there will be other guys (Lawrence has given me hope!), but why did this one have to leave? When will the next guy show up?

Unlike my gay male friends, I'm pretty patient. I've been patient for 14 years so far, I think I can wait a little longer. I don't know how much longer though. I see why girls get so boy-crazy. This is insane! The waiting, the watching, the hoping, then the inevitable dread cause he has to go. To think some people actually enjoy this...