M.I.A

This is the second time its happened! The second time! The second time my dad hasn't come home from God-Knows-Where. The second time he's just totally forgotten about us. The second time he's been missing in action.

I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. My dad, I just, whenever I mention him (rarely to anyone), or think about him, I can't describe my emotions. I think it's a mix of confusion, and dislike, and want. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't want to say hate, but dislike is the only thing I could come up with along those lines.

Will I feel better if I break my feelings down? Let me try. Hopefully by the time I'm done, he'll be home.

The confusion. That comes from not knowing him anymore. Before (before what? I don't know.) we used to be so close. Whenever my mom would yell at me, I'd go to him and he'd make me laugh. I'd just get him. I'd get his jokes, I'd get where he was coming from. He just confuses me now. His actions scream out that he hates it here (obviously, if he's never home) but yet he stays. If I didn't like it somewhere, I'd try to make it work or just leave. I guess he tried to make it work. Now...

The dislike. This sprang up when I called home the other day and asked to talk to Arieana and he mumbled, "You're turning out just like your mother." To say that crushed my soul would be an understatement. I felt like crying, right in front of my mom and Nanny. How dare he! I know he hates my mom, he's said it more than once, and for him to say that I'm turning out just like her?! What? If only he knew how much that hurt me, then he'd regret it and try to make it up to me a thousandfold. At least I hope he would. But, ever since that day, I can't even look at him. Just the plain association, "Ariel is like her mother, the woman I hate." It just hurts.

Then the want. I want to understand him. I want to feel loved by him. I want him to be here and everything to be OK. I want, no, wish I didn't know his plots (or actions) of cheating.

Oh yes, Ness, I know he's planning on cheating, if he hasn't already. I just know. Where else could he be all day? "The Garage" excuse worked last year, when he was actually there at the garage. Last year he never talked on his cell phone, and only three people called him. Now, there is no "Garage", there's no excuse at all. He just leaves. And he's always on his cell phone. All the time. Once it rang in the morning and some girl's name showed up. Then she sent a text, I think. The point is, I know he's not faithful. And a part of me can't blame him. But seriously, why do it? I don't understand.

Back to the wanting. I want a lot from him and I don't know that he can A) give it or B) has given everything I want, and since I'm turning into my mother, apparently, I haven't noticed. God, I wish he hadn't told me that! I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to live in a house with a man who doesn't love me, appreciate me, and shows he cares by actually being in the freaking house! I don't want to live like that; I sure as hell won't live like that. I've been single before and I can be it again. I'll remember that.

And then there's Arieana, the Obvious Favorite. Whenever my dad sees I'm jealous of the attention he gives her he says, "I used to do that same stuff with you." OK, that's great. But that was a long time ago, and you only had to worry about one child. Now you've got two, and not giving the old one enough attention. But it's not his fault, not entirely. He does try to talk to me. But I just don't feel like talking, and what exactly would we talk about? I just run to my room whenever he comes home anyway.

I see my mom too, and see how this whole M.I.A thing is affecting her. To me, she looks sorta confused. What is she supposed to feel? Anger because he's not home, despair cause it's obvious he doesn't like her, or fear because of the aftermath if he left? I don't know what to tell her. I try to disappear when she gets this way, confused and scared. Maybe not scared, cause it's hard to say my mom is scared, but I know I would be if I was in her shoes.

I don't want to think of my dad leaving. I used to pride myself on telling friends that my dad was still in my household, not in some jail cell, not in the streets, not with another woman, he was home and I saw him everyday. I'd feel bad for the kids, well most of my classmates, who didn't have dads. But now it's like, at least some of them never met their dad. Since he's not there, there's nothing to miss. I know that if my dad leaves, it'll be the worst thing in my life. I've heard the stories, the studies. Girls without dads look for father figures in all the wrong guys. I'm not gonna go through that. Arieana might. I know no "bad father figure" would be interested in me. Arieana is remotely attractive (eh, to others). I worry about that.

He's still not here. And it's 3:30 PM. I need to work on Theology, since it's due...It's actually due Wednesday, but me and Dawn got a plan that says I need to get my artwork done before tomorrow.

I'll see you later Ness. By the time I post again, my dad should be home. I hope.